I regularly receive messages from women who have been told over and over again by influential men in their lives, that God really does not care if they are unhappy.

They're taught that happiness is not something we should be concerned about, happiness is not something we should pursue, happiness is irrelevant to our existence as human beings who follow God.

The underlying message is that if you desire to be happy at all, something is wrong with you -- you're living in a sinful mindset. Sometimes spiritual leaders will teach this outright. Most of the time, it's a subconscious corollary that if you are miserable and suffering, you are holier.

(It's quite opposite from those who preach prosperity gospel, for sure!)

Consequently, in this frame of mind, you should expect nothing to go well. You assume that life will be filled with suffering. Nothing will operate smoothly. You anticipate that your relationships, your work, your life, will be brutally hard. Living in holiness seems guaranteed to be miserable, unpleasant, and unhappy. As a good Christian, a devoted follower of Jesus, you are taught that there is really nothing you can do about it, except thank Him for the trials and just keep on living woefully.

That's just heresy.

What if we asked ourselves, how did we get to this point in the first place? What was the method, the pattern, the backlash, the pendulum swing? What were we running from, to get to this idea that happiness must equal ungodliness?

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating for the opposite extreme. There's a legitimate opposite ditch of hedonistic humanism that teaches messages such as: 
"I am out for what is best for me, darlings!"
"Look out for number one!"
"If you don't make me happy, I'm drop kicking you out of my life." 
"I'm going to heal myself because all the power and goodness I need is inside of me!" 

It's a highly selfish, even Luciferian, way to view life. It's the character of the devil, -- me, myself and I -- everything must be what I want, what makes me comfortable, what pleases my impulsive desires. This self-obsessed, pleasure-fixated approach overtly pursues happiness on the surface.

From this opposite ditch, we hear messages subtly communicating that self-care works best when it is a form of self-worship. And there's no role of God in any of this.

This self-gratification, self-pleasing mindset sets up a way of life where the pursuit of pleasure is not for the good of others, not good for yourself from an integrity point of view, and certainly not for the glory of God. This mindset focuses on getting my pleasure now. 

For many, this mindset is the catalyst that launched the pendulum swing to the opposite extreme. But seeking to flee hedonism results in denying true happiness, not in cultivating holiness. 

If our entire worldview is based on avoiding something bad, it does not guarantee that we will build something good.

These two extreme viewpoints are equally toxic:
1) God doesn't want you to be happy, He just wants you to be holy. 
2) Your pleasure and personal gratification are more important than anything else.

It doesn't really matter which ditch you're in, if you're scrabbling around in the mud on one side or the other then you're not walking on the road, right? 

If you're chasing misery while thinking it makes you holy, you're disconnected from the heart of Jesus. 

If you're chasing self-pleasure, and calling it happiness at the expense of being a decent human to everyone else, you're disconnected from the heart of Jesus.

One popular marriage book, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, promoted this concept more actively than perhaps any other individual book. 

Thomas's premise is based on the idea that chasing happiness doesn't give us happiness, and God's desire for us is to be holy, not just to be happy. Perhaps Thomas was seeking to balance out the hedonistic mindset of pursuing pleasure for the sake of self-gratification, but the concept has been badly misapplied, and caused intense harm to a lot of people,

It would be far more accurate to say: God wants you to be happy, and He wants you to be holy.

Of course, if you define happiness through lustful self-serving then no, God's primary goal is not momentary pleasure over reflecting his heart of integrity and holiness. But that does not mean God doesn't want you to be happy.

What God wants for you, is:

• to pursue Christ-likeness (let this mind be in you, as it was in Christ Jesus, Phil 2:5). 

• to experience his healing (there is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear, 1 John 4:18)

• to live in confidence (God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a clear mind, 2 Tim 1:7)

• to rejoice in good character (for the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control, Gal 5:22)

• to be filled with happiness (now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace, Rom 15:13)

When we are living in love, peace, gentleness, self-control -- we naturally become more decent human beings, because we are connecting more closely with reflecting the image of God as we were created to do.

If we define happiness as self-centered pleasure-seeking then yes, God probably wants you to be holy, more than he wants you to be "happy." But that's a very shallow and one-dimensional concept of happiness.

At the same time, if we define holiness as any form of works-based performance then it's very unlikely to generate authentic happiness. 

Personally, I view happiness as the state of experiencing peaceful healing, joyful anticipation, gentle rest, the safety that results from self-control. This kind of happiness is what happens when I know I am loved profoundly, when I am living at peace with my conscience, when I am confident in my identity as a daughter of God. This happiness bubbles up when I'm not living for the approval of other people, even if I lose a spouse, or get cancer, or face grief and loss... 

When happiness comes from a holy, beautiful, sacred, life transforming connection with Jesus Christ and realizing that I am created in Imago Dei, the image of God -- then our happiness is God's top priority.

The happiness that comes from: 

• living a life where your heart is at peace, 

• having a clean conscience, 

• doing the best you can to follow the truth you know, 

• being in a place of healthy boundaries, 

• not being overtaken by other people... 

In these cases, holiness and happiness become rather synonymous. 

To summarize: 
If we pursue self-pleasure for it's own sake at the expense of being kind, decent, honest, caring human beings -- we will lose true happiness. 

If we pursue other-fulfillment for the sake of approval by self-righteous onlookers at the expense of peace, joy, safety, and identity -- we will lose true happiness. 

If we pursue an identity rooted in deeply connected, intimate relationship and trust in God, not based on performance or works or other people's opinions, then we will naturally experience deep, lasting happiness. 

And more than anything else, God wants you to be this kind of happy.

Do you find yourself saying things like:

• "My anxiety is acting up again"

• "I'm so clumsy, always forgetting things"

• "He didn't mean it"

These are indicators that a relationship marriage may be more than just difficult, it may be abusive. 

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