Coercive Control: When Religion Enables Abuse | Podcast (w/ Dr. Evan Stark)

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If you’ve ever wondered whether your faith, your church, or your community played a part in the control you lived through, you are not imagining the question. It’s one of the most important ones I’ve asked on This Wild Journey.

I sat down with Dr. Evan Stark to talk about it. Dr. Stark is a professor, researcher, and forensic social worker. He’s the author of several books, including Coercive Control and Women at Risk, and he lectures at Yale and Rutgers. His award-winning work on coercive control was the original source of the model behind the United Kingdom’s widened definition of domestic violence, and he played a major role in the consultation that led to the UK’s coercive control law.

I asked him what role religion and religious communities can play in keeping someone from getting safe. His answer was more nuanced than you might expect, and I think it’s worth sharing.

Religion Is a Framework, Not the Cause

Dr. Stark’s first point was that religion is like any other cultural form. In his words, it can become “a reason for doing evil and a reason for doing good.” It becomes a framework.

In his own practice, religion has played every kind of role. He described cases where ministers were crucial in helping women get away from abusive families and communities, including helping young women leave to go to school. In other cases, the religious community acted as a shield for the person causing harm.

He also shared a case of a woman raised in a very religious community who was taught that a woman’s place was to serve men. Her husband exploited that belief, then degraded and isolated her. Dr. Stark’s assessment surprised me: he said religion’s role in that story was small. The same faith that taught her to take an inferior role had also given her self-respect and a sense of dignity. That inner dignity is where she found the strength to resist him and to leave.

That is an important reminder. The same teachings can be used against someone, and the same tradition can be a source of strength.

When Faith Is Used as a Shield

The other side of the story is just as real. Dr. Stark described religious communities that closed ranks around men who were controlling and harming their families, and that turned against the women.

From my own work, I see the same pattern. Those who are determined to act with coercive control will latch onto any justification framework they can find. That may be scripture misused, a tradition, a community expectation, or a cultural idea of what a husband or father is entitled to.

It’s also worth saying clearly: this is not about one religion. Dr. Stark has seen it across many traditions, and he was direct that no religion is exempt. He’s also clear that coercive control exists in conservative and liberal settings, religious and political, on either end of the spectrum. Control is the common thread, not the belief system.

It’s About Inequality

One of the most useful ideas in our conversation was Dr. Stark’s explanation of what coercive control actually is. He said it’s about taking inequality into personal life and making it a rule for how a household runs.

That’s why religion alone can’t explain it. He pointed out that equality can’t be respected at home if women can’t earn equal wages, vote, or make their own decisions about pregnancy. If those decisions are made for women, he said, someone might as well decide what they have for breakfast. Greed, ideas about manhood, and ideas about economy and power all feed into the same pattern.

Faith vs. Organized Religion

Dr. Stark also drew a line I found powerful. When he talks about the problem, he isn’t talking about faith. He’s talking about organized religion acting as an authority over people’s personal and family lives, in ways that reinforce the authority of the father and husband over the wife and child. In his view, that has more to do with institutions serving power than with God.

I agreed with him wholeheartedly, and I’d add that many aspects of religion bring people more equality, freedom, voice, and autonomy. We can’t simply say “it’s religion’s fault.” What we can say is that for some women, religion became part of the fabric of coercive control in their lives.

Why This Matters if You’re Healing

If you’re a survivor or a protective parent, understanding coercive control can open your eyes to the fact that what happened to you was bigger than one marriage or one relationship. It may have been woven into doctrine, a church, and an environment that told you what a good woman, wife, or mother was supposed to do.

Seeing that doesn’t mean you have to give up your faith. It means you can separate what was true and life-giving from what was used to control you. Many people find that distinction is where healing starts.

Dignity as the Antidote

We ended the conversation on the idea I keep coming back to. Dr. Stark said we’ve reached a level of civilization where we can set a limit that isn’t only physical: we’re not only going to say “you can’t hit her,” we’re going to say “you can’t take away her dignity.”

The opposite of coercive control is a reality filled with dignity, hope, personhood, respect, honor, and autonomy. That is true between partners, between a parent and a child, and even in the workplace. When each person uses whatever power they have to empower others toward free will and open voice, we create a different kind of society.

Key Takeaways

• Religion is a framework. It can be used for good or for harm.

• Coercive control borrows whatever justification is available, religious or not.

• No religion is exempt, and control also appears in secular and political settings.

• Coercive control is about carrying inequality into personal life.

• Personal faith and organized authority are not the same thing.

• The standard is moving from “don’t hit her” to “don’t take away her dignity.”

Watch to the Full Conversation

Where to Go Next

• Not sure where you stand? Start with the free High-Conflict Court Case Risk Index.

• Want support, not just information? BASECAMP is where we work through this together.

• Dealing with a controlling person’s messages? Emotional Armor gives you tools to respond without losing yourself.

• Need to document what’s happening? The Ultimate Divorce Evidence Binder System helps you organize it for court.

• Keep reading: Coercive control and family court.

I’d love to hear from you. Did any part of this match your experience? Leave a comment below, or send me a private message if you’d rather not share publicly.

Frequently Asked Questions

"Can religion be used for coercive control?" Yes. Coercive control can borrow any justification framework, including religious teachings, though religion itself is not the cause.

"Is coercive control only a religious problem?" No. Dr. Stark describes it across conservative and liberal settings, religious and political alike.

"Does recognizing this mean I have to leave my faith?" No. Many people keep their faith while separating it from the ways it was misused to control them.

"What is the opposite of coercive control?" A relationship built on dignity, respect, autonomy, and open voice.

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