Read Part One

Second question: “How do we avoid double abuse?” 

First, we check our priorities. We ask ourselves really hard questions, like:

• Am I quick to react on my biases and my personal friendships? Or, am I willing to listen and consider information that feels very hard to hear?

• Am I able to acknowledge that someone I trust may be abusive to other people and it’s not obvious to me and I have never suffered abuse at their hands?

• Am I concerned with protecting the reputation of my organization, or representing God’s character of loving justice?

• Is it my default to handle things quietly and sweep things under the rug? Do I do it to tell myself I am protecting God’s reputation, instead of speaking out and insisting on accountability to avoid causing greater harm?

Tell me what is more harming to God’s reputation: 

For the world to find out that a sinful person in the church did some things and the church stood up, dealt with it, and handled the problem? Or, for the world to find out that a sinful person, in a human church, did some sinful things, and the church probably surrounded that person, told all the victims to be quiet, shut up, and swept everything under the rug? 

Which path damages God’s reputation more?

Let God protect His Own reputation.

YOU take care of the wounded. 

We protect the vulnerable, God protects His reputation. Because handling abuse openly and transparently in the church does not equal “airing our dirty laundry” but rather it means that -- 

We DO the laundry! 

It tells the world that we handle it when there is a predator seeking to do harm. It tells the world that we DON’T hide our heads and just hope nobody finds out. Or worse, sweep it under the rug and take steps to make it go away.

DON’T be an abuser's enabler.

Now a lot of times we hear people talking about how “dealing with abuse is a social justice issue” and we need to “not get sidetracked from evangelism”. Anybody ever heard that? So I’m not the only one? 

I’m here to say that responding to abuse well is an evangelistic imperative. 

Do you know why? 
Because it's not just about social justice.

A May 21, 2019 article in Christianity Today reported that 1 in 10 Protestants under the age of 35 have left a church. Why? Because they feel that sexual misconduct was handled badly.

Refusing to handle abuse in the church is a shockingly effective way to drive people out the front door.

We misrepresent God’s heart for the wounded, we shelter the wolves instead of defending the sheep, and we create unnecessary legal risk… because repeat offenders remain free to access new victims, and create bigger legal problems later when we do not handle things up front. 

The very best way to respond to abuse and avoid future legal fallout is to act decisively to remove abusers from leadership access and influence the FIRST time that abusive behavior comes to light. 

Now, I realize that no abuse case is completely simple and straightforward. Abuse is, by its very nature, nuanced and complex. But if we believe that we are immune to what we have seen happening in other denominations, the Catholic denomination, the Southern Baptist Convention, and others around us today--simply because we are who we are--we are grossly self-deceived.

It is important to realize that it can be very difficult for clergy to figure out who is telling the truth. So I have a few basic things. But I want you to remember that figuring out who is telling the truth is not your job. Let me say it again for the people in the back--

Figuring out who’s telling the truth is not your job. Keeping potential victims safe, that’s your job.

It is important to recognize that if someone says they’ve been harmed, statistically speaking there’s a greater than 90% chance they are telling the truth. It’s also important for clergy and lay church leaders to realize that you need to operate with a VERY HEALTHY sense of self-doubt. 

If you believe you can sit down and speak to a couple and decide who is the abuser here, you’re wrong. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it. 

You’re not that good. 

Because the very nature of abuse is living a double life. And you, my friends, simply are not that intuitive. You can’t tell. So don’t play God with other people’s lives when you’re clergy. 

Abusers are masterful deceivers.
Abusers can be incredibly charming.

Clergy and most lay members don’t have trauma-specific training and don’t discern abuse as a full-time job. That means you can make things worse while genuinely trying to help, without even meaning to.

It can feel--even for spiritual leaders, even for executives--like we’re trying to reinvent the wheel as we try to figure out how to handle abuse issues in our sphere. So I want to tell you that there is a roadmap. There are compassionate, legally responsible, biblical resources for your area of influence. (See list below.)

How do we discern the truth without causing double abuse? 

We do what Jesus did... 

We listen.
We empathize.
We support.

When we realize that someone may be a victim of abuse. And at the same time, we report to law enforcement. We cooperate with investigations, whether they are civil or criminal. We recognize that fact-finding and truth are essential to the process. But the need for fact-finding and truth do not nullify our mandate for compassion and empathy. Most of all, we focus on the safety of the person who is a victim. 

No rushing to reconciliation.
No pressure for prompt restoration.
No pushing or protecting of the perpetrator. 

We focus on safety. 

God has given every spiritual leader--ordained clergy or not--a moral mandate, and you are under legal obligation to protect the vulnerable and NOT those who are causing harm.

I believe that the time has come to end the culture of shaming, blaming, and silencing abuse victims in the faith community. 

The time has come to end the practice of protecting the Achans in the camp who are living double lives. 

The time has come for the faith community to stand side by side with Christ in defense of the vulnerable and the broken and to take action to protect those who have experienced harm. 

The time has come to end double abuse.

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