First question: “What is double abuse”? 

Double abuse is when the family, the church, or the culture of a victim does not recognize the primary abuse--that’s the thing that happened originally--and instead, they choose to diminish, deny, dismiss or disregard, instead of believing, supporting, and protecting the victim.

It can also be when the victim goes to someone for help and instead of receiving engaged and informed help, they receive biased, harmful, uneducated advice that makes the situation worse. 

The problem is that, very often, victims in the faith community will go to their pastors for help. You go to your clergy and if your clergy is not educated in abuse or not trauma informed, it's very possible for clergy to mean well and do harm. 

Here are some examples:

• When an abused spouse goes to a therapist who minimizes the abuse, breaks confidentiality, isn’t adequately trained in trauma, or otherwise violates the trust of a victim. 

• When a child reports sexual abuse to an authority figure--maybe in the faith community, or in the family--who downplays the report, blames the child for not saying things right, or simply responds that the accusation must be impossible, because the accused is too nice.

• When a battered wife goes to her pastor who promptly calls the allegedly abusive husband to hear “his side of the story”, then goes on to give advice such as:

  • she needs to go home and pray more, 

  • submit better, 

  • be more sexually available, 

  • forgive more.

• When clergy refuse to admit that they are in over their heads in areas that they are not trained, they become complicit in the oppression instead of the healing ministry of Jesus Christ.

So why is double abuse so damaging? 

It doesn't matter if it is accidental, or intentional. And I would never go so far as to say that the majority of clergy cause intentional double abuse. I don’t believe that’s real. But even if it is accidental, double abuse leaves a stronger impact than initial abuse. Do you know why? 

Because Jesus makes it clear that the responsibility of the shepherd is to protect the sheep, not to befriend the wolves. 

Double abuse teaches victims that people of God will not stand up for you. 

The victim may understand that one harmful person did evil to them, but it is hard to understand, when you go to the people who are supposed to help you, why those people do the same. When we choose to disbelieve and disregard and dismiss and deny, we warp the victim’s understanding of the character of God.

Is double abuse really that common? 

I recently surveyed 146 female survivors of abuse in the church and discovered these statistics:

• Only 18% were believed and supported by their pastors and church leaders.

• 6% were believed BUT their trauma was compounded by lack of training on their pastor’s part.

• 11% felt that they were believed BUT they received no support at all.

• A whopping 65% were dismissed, doubted, ignored, and denied help by their church leaders.

In addition, many women reported that their pastors responded to their request for help by praising and protecting their abuser, telling them to “go home and submit more”, telling them to “remember happier times” and to “be proud to suffer for the cause of Jesus Christ”. Telling them they were “lucky to be married to someone so involved in the church” and suggesting, or referring them to couples counseling with a pastor or therapist who was not trained, or informed in trauma or abuse.

Double abuse is not just about sexual misconduct in the church. 

A recent case of mine dealt with a man just out of prison. He was a professing Christian, he was dating an active church member in a local church, and they were becoming involved with their church-sponsored youth club. When he began leading in the club, he disclosed that he had a violent felony on his record.

Church leaders asked, “was it a crime against children?” and he said no. The church ran a cursory volunteers background check, but they didn't run in the surrounding counties or nationwide. Nothing came up. The man continued leading and interacting with youth. Church leaders did no further investigation.

One parent felt things were somehow “off”, became a little suspicious, and did a google search--which uncovered news articles about a murder trial a few years previously. Photos confirmed that this same man had spent years in prison for murdering his wife in front of his children. At the time of concern, he’d been back in society for less than a year. 

When the concerned parents brought the information to the church leaders, they were told, “You’re being very unforgiving!” Leaders sat them down and said, “If the Jews can forgive Nazis for what they suffered under Hitler”, then they should be able to “drop your unkind vendetta, forgive this man, and not make such a big deal about him working with our youth in the church”. 

The parents refused to drop the subject. Devastatingly, those leaders pushed that family out of the church, while keeping the convicted felon on the youth leadership team.

If you are clergy or a leader-in-training, there is no better time for you to learn how to respond to abuse and trauma in a Christ-like way, than right now.

Your churches will be filled with people who need healing from double abuse.

If you have been in ministry for years, there is no better time than right now to expand your understanding of how to deal with hurting people in church.

(Read Part Two)

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