TW: explicit descriptions of harmful sexual content

Last week, I had the privilege of joining Lisa Sun, CEO of Gravitas New York, at a local Women's Leadership Institute. In her powerful keynote speech, she called the audience to "learn to take critique as feedback, and pivot as you grow," she said.

The ability to do this requires humility and willingness to look at things from other people's perspectives. It also demands a strong core sense of identity. Developing this ability is a vitally important part of leadership in any form. When our natural instinct is to lash out, we have to consciously choose to learn instead.

When I look back over the years, I am not at all the same person I was 10 years ago, or five, or two.

My life experiences have molded and shaped me, often subconsciously, sometimes overtly. My core values are the same, but my priorities have shifted. My personality is the same, but my understanding of humanity has expanded.

We each need to cultivate a conscious willingness to sit and listen to other people and hear their stories, to show empathy and understand where others are coming from, to recognize how things may have seemed normal to us, but have actually caused deep damage to others. All these things are crucial for anyone who wants to be authentic and grow.

One of the articles that helped me grow in the past, and gave me hope for continued growth, was Gary Thomas's incredible abuse response post back in 2016 called Enough is Enough: Why The Church Needs to Stop Enabling Abusive Men. I loved it, and so did tens of thousands of other survivors.

We felt seen.
We felt heard.
Finally, there was one prominent male author out there who actually grasped it.

My heart has been burdened this past weekend, by yet another wave of wildly popular but deeply damaging "faith-based" marriage advice. The same author whose Enough article gave such hope, published a new article which promoted a "healthy example story" of a ministry couple who is actually very open about making wives share responsibility for a husband's porn recovery. (See My Wife Can't Cure Me, But Can She Help Me?)

UPDATED NOTE: After an outcry from readers pointing out the manipulative addict-speak and damaging elements woven throughout the story, the title was adapted to gender neutral, and then a week later the post was taken down. This occurred only after many survivors who commented with concern were deleted and blocked.

The individuals in this story of "healthy porn recovery" run a marriage coaching business which promotes activities such as bondage, adult nursing, and other highly objectifying pornography-inspired activities as being normal and desirable in "Christian" marriage.

This couple's blog included topics such as how much the husband hates his wife breastfeeding each of their new babies, because it takes away his personal sex toys (her breasts) and... repurposes them for the baby's nutrition.

In addition, the story's solution (which is reiterated in multiple posts and comments this couple's blog) for porn addiction was not for the husband to get intensive addiction therapy, but for the wife to stop saying no. I can't conscientiously link to the material, due to the intensity of its offensiveness. A number of commenters told me they couldn't even access it because it tripped their family internet filters.

(If you can handle the triggers and need links for research verification, feel free to message me.)

In the betrayal trauma and abuse recovery field, we know that this is not this is not how addiction recovery works. This illustration does not indicate healthy recovery, or perhaps even recovery at all. Endorsing this story as a pattern to follow is grossly misleading and is an egregious misrepresentation of the character and heart of God.

But I'm not just writing about Gary Thomas. It really isn't limited to him as an author... it's about the overwhelming cacophony of unbiblical, unscientific, abuse-enabling, and outright bad marriage and relationship advice that permeates "Christian" bookshelves.

The cognitive dissonance created by these types of articles, books, and messages is dizzying. When an author makes a statement that sounds godly and then contradicts it with illustrations or stories or practical suggestions that communicate the opposite -- we're left wondering which message is the real thing? When we have admired, respected, and looked up to any well-known author or speaker for answers and then we realize that the advice being given is unsafe -- the result tends to spark spiritual pain, and a sense of betrayal.

In today's culture, people often feel that if we address damaging content we must naturally be trying to "cancel" the author of the content. I want to go on record that that is not my intent here.

I don't know if it's how I was wired, or just the cumulative aggregate of my life experiences, but I have a very, very hard time not addressing anything harmful and damaging. If my silence could contribute to the hurt of other people, then I feel partially responsible for not speaking out. I know many survivors in the advocacy community share this same passion.

At the same time it's crucial to avoid attacking other humans created in the image of God.

We have to learn to walk the line between honoring the Imago Dei in others, yet still speaking out strongly and firmly against damaging information. There is a great difference between vocally addressing problematic content, and personally attacking another child of God.

I've had leading counselors tell me, "You just can't keep taking on these iconoclastic efforts. You've got to stop. These are really popular authors. They're well-known! They publish bestsellers!"

Okay, so I haven't sold millions of books. But if I see that something is causing harm and misrepresenting the character of God, I have a moral obligation to not be silent, in whatever way is available to me, to speak out about it. We are conscience bound to address harmful teachings, and to so it in a way that represents Christ.

We have an obligation toward boldness. We have an obligation to not follow what man has made popular, but to obey God. The fact that a teaching is popular doesn't make it healthy. Or righteous. The popularity just means it has the power to destroy a greater number of people.

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In speaking out, we are up against Goliaths. We crane our necks at the megalithic organizations and publishing companies and and well known structures who for decades have been perpetuating toxic, damaging scientifically-and-biblically-false information that keeps men and women and children trapped in danger. And we must speak out.

I don't care how popular the authors are.

At the same time we must also seek to reflect the character of Jesus as much as we each can. It's important for all of us to continue growing, not just public figures. I love how Sheila Gregoire is a bestselling author who has just owned her growth beyond some of her stuff from years ago. When past writings don't fit with the scientific research and broader understanding she has now, she takes it down. She apologizes for it, she publicly speaks about her expanded awareness.

That's the honorable, integrity-driven thing to do. When we know better, we do better. I don't want to attack anyone as humans, as children of God. But I do want to call those with far bigger platforms than mine to truly, listen, to hear, to observe, to reassess. And to take action. 

Because I would rather not cancel people. I'd rather see those with magnificent influence choose to adjust, calibrate, humbly take feedback and show integrity by being willing to change course. That's what I'm hoping for. 

And I want to invite all of you to join me in calling for that -- in the heart and tone of Jesus -- without being silenced or ashamed to speak up. 

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves ensure justice, for those being crushed, speak up for the poor and helpless and see they get justice. 
Proverbs 31:8-9

We have an epidemic of domestic violence, sexual coercion, and abuse in the faith communities. And for far too long this has been endured, enabled and reperpetrated by our most popular leaders, authors, bloggers, and speakers.

The time has come for that to change, done, full stop, never again.

And we can be the tsunami of voices that refuse to continue being served damaging information and insist on integrity from those who have widespread platforms and influence.

We have the power of voice.

Will you join me in kindly, honorably, firmly insisting that our popular faith organization leaders and writers do not have the freedom to operate without integrity and that they face a calling from an unsilenceable wave of voices to do better?

Speak out.
Leave comments.
Share posts.
Ask questions.

Don't attack.
Don't belittle.
Don't dehumanize.
Don't devalue.

Don't treat even those who are soundly in the wrong as less than others made in the image of God. Don't do back what others have done to you.

But don't be silent.

Call for change and let there be a tidal wave of requiring accountability.
We can do it together.

(Watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/TUeprzckm8c)

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