If you're like a third (or more) of households, your holiday season may be characterized by tiptoeing around your family's most manipulative personality.
I don't mean the normal stress and fatigue of school plays and church concerts and winter weather. I'm talking about the partner who -- like clockwork -- goes out of their way to torpedo every precious memory, every year.
If this happens in your house, you're not alone.
Ruining special occasions and sucking the joy out of everyone else's memories is actually a thing. An abuser's thing.
Here are four steps you can take to make your own Holiday Survival Plan:
Think back to prior holiday seasons and special occasions. What typically happens? Is there any discernible cycle?
Your abuser might use any number of common control tactics:
picking fights to embarrass or unsettle you
sulking about gifts they received
sulking about gifts they didn't receive
spending the Christmas gift budget just before you start shopping
upstaging your plans, gifts, or performances
bringing you to tears just before you need to do something important or public
refusing to participate in plans
any number of other ways to ruin the joy of the season.
Journal the holidays from years past, and it's likely a pattern will emerge that can tell you what to expect this year, too.
No -- I do NOT mean lower your standards! Instead, look back at the pattern you just mapped out. What does this pattern tell you to that you can most likely expect this season?
Instead of holding your breath and hoping that THIS year will be the exception... let yourself see the truth clearly, and accept that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
Expect your abuser to pull the same stunts, make the same excuses, and throw the same tantrums as always. Assume it will happen, and decide what you really want to do with your own holiday experience regardless.
If this means you need to change plans to avoid increasing your stress level, that's okay. If you need to reduce commitments to be able to do the things that matter most, that's okay too.
You have every right to a joyful, peaceful holiday season. If your partner consistently ruins that joy and peace for the family, then it's important to intentionally connect with other joyful, peaceful people.
Friends, colleagues, relatives, neighbors -- make purposeful choices to interact with safe, kind, pleasant people who reflect your feelings about the holidays.
Choosing to invest in a supportive social circle is a beautiful way to give your children fond memories for their own future, too.
If these things are happening in your home, your marriage, or your friendships... you are likely experiencing an abusive relationship.
There's no better time to talk to a counselor or a coach, than when you're heading into the holidays braced for impact.
Instead of spending this season blindly navigating the repeated cycle of bickering and blow ups, give yourself the gift of clarity this year.
Give yourself a chance to see things more clearly than ever before, with the guidance of someone who has the advantage of working with dozens or hundreds of situations similar to yours.
Together, you can work out ways to protect your emotions, your children, and your health from the unavoidable fallout.
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