Today I want to share a communication tool that you can use at home, at work, or with friends -- but it's especially useful as a parent.

In fact, it's an essential life skill that most of us were never taught. (And if you figured it out along the way, kudos to you!) But if this is the first time you're hearing it, that’s okay.. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t blame yourself.

Just start to implement it now.
And teach it to your kids.

Are you ready?

One of the best healthy relationship tools we can learn is how to be able to...
separate WHAT we said from HOW we said it. 

There are times when we have something important to tell someone, whether we are talking to a family member, or someone we work with, or our spouse, or our children. 

And so many times we just don’t say things well. 

The concept may have needed to be communicated, but it we're truly honest with ourselves, we have to admit that the way we said it was awful. 

In these situations, we end up hurting the person and maybe even damaging the relationship as a result. Or we end up causing more tension and trauma than healing -- even when the essence of what we said was a good thing that needed to be shared. 

Let’s play this out in a scenario...

You’re a single mama.
You are absolutely exhausted.
(Maybe you’re getting support in my WILD TraumaMAMAs private group!?!)

You’ve spent the last year in and out of court, desperate to keep your kids safe and protected from harm. 
There’s little-to-no child support coming in. 

You just worked a 60 hour week. 
You have a mountain of bills due. 
Your precious kiddos are clamoring for your attention as you drive home. 

...and what you need most right now is about 18 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

But your children want you.
And you are their mama.

So you stay awake and spend time with them. 

While you’re not-napping, like you wish you were, there’s an argument. Something goes down among your children, and you end up correcting them by telling them things they needed to hear, but... you're mean about it.

You’re tired. 
You’re angry. 
Your exhaustion is justifiable.

They’re just being kids.
And yes... they’re also tap-dancing on your last.shredded.nerve. 

When you tell them whatever that thing was, the correction that was healthy for them, the instructions they genuinely needed to hear -- you tell them in a horrible, impatient, unkind way. You instantly regret it.

You were already feeling terrible in general. 
Now you’re feeling worse because you took it out on them.

You may even start telling yourself that you're a total failure as a parent, because now...

• they're not happy.

• you're not happy.

• you still need a nap. 

• you’re still stressed out. 

• and... they still want mommy. 

So what do you do, once you realize what you've done? 

If you apologize, won't they think they don’t have to listen or obey?
I mean, if mommy apologizes, aren't you showing weakness as a parent? Aren't you essentially communicating that you were wrong to correct or instruct them in the first place?

Nope!

You simply need to separate the way you said something from what was said. It’s so simple and so basic, but so healing and helpful.

Here’s what that looks like:

First, wait until everyone has cooled off a bit, and you're not running hot. 

Now, in a calm, gentle tone, tell them how you were wrong. 

“The way I spoke to you in the car earlier was wrong. I realize that the voice I used hurt your feelings. It was wrong for me to talk to you that way. I am so sorry. Mommy’s got a lot of stuff on my mind, and I am really tired. Sometimes when we are tired, we feel very grumpy. But feeling grumpy is not an okay excuse for how my voice sounded when I spoke to you. I should have been more patient and kind. I’m really sorry. I will try to do better next time.” 

“The instructions I was giving you are very important, even though I shared them with you in an unkind way. I was wrong to let my stress tell me how to talk, instead of thinking of your feelings.

“I’m sorry for the way I let you down when I was mad and dysregulated. I'm sorry for the way I added to your feelings and your stress because of how I said it.”

“So I'm going to explain those instructions now, while you and I are both calm. I need you to listen, and I’m going to try to say it the way I should have said it earlier…” 

Then you restate whatever it was that you originally needed to communicate.

Your kids already love you. 

They likely want to please you and make you feel proud of them. 

It’s healthy for children and teens to watch adults take responsibility for our actions, and own up when we screw up. Modeling that humility and repentance is the most effective way for our children to learn how to do it themselves. 

This approach allows you to teach your kids that sometimes we say right things in a wrong way. Your example will guide them to expect a healthier baseline from others, and to offer humble apologies even when they were factually "right".

You can apply this same tool in relationships with your children, relatives, colleagues, or a partner -- any time you need to take responsibility for what you have said or done in ways that caused emotional harm to the other person, without reneging on the accurate content of what you were trying to express.

(Caveat -- if another adult seems fundamentally committed to exercising control over you or misunderstanding you at every turn, then you are in an abusive relational dynamic, and you need to seek safety rather than just keep trying to communicate better.) 

P.S. If you were today years old when you learned this communication tool, that's okay, just make sure to teach your kids now, so they don't have to get that old before they figure it out too!

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