So you’ve been to hell and back, and now…. 

#gulp

Now you’re ready to maybe, possibly, (are you really? you’re not totally sure) think about dating. 

In fact, the only reason you’re thinking about dating at all, is because of that one attractive guy who has been talking to you lately. You’re wondering if he’s interested, and you’ve spent the last several months (or years) swearing you are never, ever, ever in a million years going to trust someone. Not after the abuse you escaped the last time around. Never again. 

But…that one guy… He’s piqued your interest. 

Or maybe you've never been married yet, but you've seen friends go through hell and you're just wanting to make sure you choose wisely.

Time passes, and you talk some more. He’s definitely interested. You might be too, but you’re just not sure yet. I mean, it’s terrifying to try again after you got so thoroughly duped the last time around.
 
What if you miss the red flags, again?
What if he’s a spectacular liar, again?

None of this inspires your confidence in your own ability to pick someone wisely. You used to think you were a pretty good judge of character but then your ex happened, right? His betrayal, his deceptiveness, his porn addiction, his side trips to the strip club, his online chats and sexting, his frequency at massage parlors, his secret sexual life that had nothing to do with you or the marriage you thought was faithful. 

And now you doubt yourself. 

A lot. 

Do You Want a Porn-Free Marriage?

I'm assuming that if you’re in my audience — you’re already a woman of faith who believes in God, who wants sexual purity and sexual loyalty and moral faithfulness in your relationship. 

I also know that the whopping majority of you have experienced betrayal, infidelity, pornography addiction, sexual indiscretions, and multiple other forms of abuse from your former spouse or romantic relationships. 

Coming from that perspective, it's super important to lay the groundwork in a new relationship, to clearly communicate that those are things you aren't gonna have any part of. In today’s world, you can’t afford NOT to have these conversations. Not if you are determined to have a sacredly intimate marriage free from third party sexual stimuli.

If that’s the kind of marriage you want, you’ve got to get past your fear of the awkward and dig into the tough topics. 

The sooner you start asking, the better. 

So this time around, if you ever finally decide to go for it, you already know you’re going to approach things differently. You’re going to ask some tough questions. You’re not going to be so naively trusting like you were before. 

The question is… how do you even start a conversation like that?????

I mean, won’t that be AWKWARD? Unnerving?

Yea, sister. It probably will. At least for him… But do you really want to wait until after you've fallen for him before you find out whether he's got his head screwed on straight when it comes to sex and porn?

(Get my FREE PDF and save yourself the writer's cramp.)

Waiting to Ask Tough Questions is Emotional Suicide

But these are things you don’t wanna be finding out 10 years into a marriage. You don’t want to discover it 10 months into a relationship, after you already fell in love with someone — because at that point you’re going to be actively looking for reasons not to believe the truth when they finally disclose. You're going to be instinctively looking for ways to minimize the fallout and protect the attachment. 

At the beginning you might be able to say, “hey, this is a situation where I cannot move forward." But if you wait until you’re emotionally invested, instead of being able to make clear cut decisions, you’re going to be faced with an instinctive pull to estimate how much addiction you can manage. The assessment automatically shifts to, “How much can I live with?” rather than "This is incompatible with the life I want to build as my future. I want a life free of sexual betrayal, infidelity, and sexual addiction.”

If you wait until you're already wrapped up in attachment and affection, you are naturally, normally, very understandably, going to be thinking things like: “

“Well, you know, maybe I can just live with that…"
“Well, maybe that isn't quite so bad…”
“Well, maybe if it never goes beyond that..." 

But the reality is — stagnation is not the nature of addiction. 

Addiction grows. 
Addiction requires deception. 

Once you are dealing with addiction, nothing will ever quite be the same again. It impacts everything: trust, belief, intimacy, vulnerability, empathy. 

All those things are negatively impacted when sexual addiction becomes part of the picture. 

Does that mean every relationship with a sexual addict (or former sexual addict) has zero hope of being successful? Not exactly. But it does mean you’ll have the element of sexual addiction ever-present on your relationship horizon, with the accompanying worry that it might rear its ugly head again and destroy what you’ve managed to build together. 

A coaching client recently asked how she should wait before asking questions like this. 

Her: shouldn't I wait a while before bringing it up?

Me: If you haven't covered that ground, don't start officially dating somebody! In today’s world, addiction is so prevalent and widespread, I don’t believe it’s safe to even start dating someone exclusively, if you haven't already asked key pertinent questions about their mental sex life, as well as their physical sex life. 

If a man can't handle hard questions, you need to know that now. 

The more attached you are, the more it’s going to hurt if the answer is something you don’t want to hear. Ask the unvarnished questions while you still have unbiased perspective, early enough that it’s easy to walk away if the truth is untenable.

Her: so how do I even begin to initiate that conversation?

Me: straight out. Blunt. Honest. maybe not even a yes or no question. Instead, something like “So how much porn do you watch?”

If a guy is going to have to think about whether to say no, you want them to actually have to ponder how to reply. 

Roughly 80% of men in their twenties watch porn regularly.
Inside the church it’s no better. Among Christians, 79% of men aged 18-30 and 67% of men aged 31-49 watch porn regularly.
Kids aren’t immune, with 90% of children aged 8-16 having seen porn online. 

Don’t Skate By On Assumptions

Based on today’s porn addiction data, you simply can’t assume that the great Christian guy you’re talking to probably doesn’t have a sexual addiction problem. 

On the other hand, your definition of “addicted” might be very different than someone else’s, especially if they tend to minimize just how much porn they actually watch. That means you probably shouldn’t just start off asking “hey, are you addicted to porn?” 

Your line of questioning should start with inquiries that lead to other questions, not just shut down the conversation with a false response. If he pushes back or clams up on something, that doesn’t mean you can’t come back to it later, but it does mean that aspect is something you need to dig deeper on. 

First, find out some background information. You want to get a baseline for his overall mindset. Does he think it’s okay to control others? Does he subconsciously see women as objects of sexual release rather than whole persons? Is he likely to make excuses for his own sins instead of seeking accountability for them? 

Commence Interrogation Sequence, Darlin’ 

Asking these questions isn’t an automatic guarantee that you’ve vetted someone completely. Consider it just one set of (very important) data in the getting-to-know-him process. Pay attention to his answers, and take note if his words or actions contradict them later. 

Your questions might progress something like this:

• So, how much porn do you watch? OR So… what’s your favorite type of porn?
  You’re wanting to disarm him to get an honest answer. 

• Do you think it’s possible for people to get addicted to watching porn?
  If he doesn’t think it’s possible, walk away now. 

• Do you think watching porn is unhealthy?
  If he thinks porn addiction is just fine, walk away now. Porn actually causes the brain to rewire itself, and triggers the brain to form new nerve pathways, creating profound and lasting changes in the brain. (https://fightthenewdrug.org/media/how-porn-can-affect-individuals/)

• In your opinion, is porn addiction the same as sex addiction?
  Morally, its the same sin, but lots of men tell themselves porn isn’t as bad as indiscriminate sexual activity in real life.

• Do you think watching porn is adultery? Is it being unfaithful to a marriage?
  Jesus said that looking at a woman to lust after her in your mind is adultery. That means looking at someone who is doing sexual things on a screen, for the purpose of sexual arousal and release/masturbation, is absolutely adultery.

• What if someone isn’t married, is it okay then?
  Morally and biblically, sexuality is a gift that is given specifically for enjoyment within marriage. That means engaging in adultery-related sexual voyeurism outside of marriage is still developing a mindset of unfaithfulness to your future spouse. 

• What’s your definition of sex addiction, anyway?
  You might think that any porn consumption is too much (and I would agree with you), but he might think that as long as it’s not more than once a week, it’s no big deal. Assuming he responds with a reasonable working definition of addictive behavior, go on to the next question.

• What is your definition of porn? What constitutes pornography in your opinion?
  Addicts often excuse or minimize their consumption by saying, "Oh, I don't watch porn!" But if you ask what they do watch, it’s Game of Thrones, or HBO shows, or foreign erotica, or other sexually explicit entertainment. “It’s not labeled porn,” they’ll say, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t pornographic.
  Women often play the same mind game by excusing erotica such as 50 Shades or Outlander, even though it is sexually arousing content. Regardless of the label, these materials inspire thoughts and responses that are sexually unfaithful to your spouse or future spouse.

• How much sexual activity outside of marriage do you think is too much?
  Again, you’re getting a baseline of what he believes is a big deal, without asking him where he falls on his own spectrum. 

• Do you think there is a different standard for how much sexual activity is okay outside of marriage, if you’re in a committed relationship?
  You’re wanting to know where he draws his personal boundaries, as opposed to whether he’s just okay with your personal boundaries. What limits does he set (and keep) for himself? Where’s the line? Ideally, ask these questions before you’ve told him where your own lines are drawn. You want honest answers, not giving you what he thinks you want to hear.

• Do you think it’s different for men to watch porn than women? Is it ok for one but not the other?
  Here, you’re wanting to find out if he is okay with double standards. Does he think porn is wrong because of the principle of it across the board? Or is it okay for men to “meet their needs” with porn, while women shouldn’t defile themselves? His answer to this will indicate a lot about whether he thinks men are entitled to privileges women don’t get. 

• How often do you watch porn? Pretty often?
  Again, you’re asking a blunt straightforward question that requires a qualitative answer, not a yes or no. You’re wanting to get a feel for whether he’s telling the truth, if you can.

• When was the last time you watched any form of sexual content or looked at pornographic material?
  Addicts may say “Oh, I’m clean and sober. I’m not using now.” And they definitely intend to make you feel like it’s been years. But what they really mean is they aren't using right now, while they're holding their phone in their hands in front of you, because they used this morning, or yesterday, or were watching it two nights ago, or six days out of seven last week. If there’s no pre-determined length of time that defines sobriety, then asking “Are you sober now?” can be answered with “Yes” if they’ve been sober for 48 hours. 

• So… by your own definition, do you think you’ve ever been addicted?
  You already asked him to share his definition of addiction, without comparing himself to that definition. You also asked him how much is too much sexual activity outside of marriage. Now, he needs to own up to reconciling 

Science Backs Up the Bible On This

What if he asks you why you are asking so many questions about porn? Maybe he jokingly implies that you might be a bit frigid, a prude, or just sex-negative. What if he laughs and says you really ought to lighten up? Here’s some scientific research, just in case what the Bible says isn’t enough for him.

(At this point, I’d recommend that you suspend all ideas of dating the guy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t drop some scientific data on his radar to challenge his worldview!)

Research shows pornography is directly linked to the sex trafficking industry. One of my friends in the sheriff department who trains law enforcement across North America in trafficking response, says that if you’ve watched thirty minutes of porn you are guaranteed to have been watching at least one person who was performing against their will. 

At its core, all pornography is exploitative in nature. It exploits the people involved in making it, creates a chokehold on the people who become more and more addicted to watching it, and devastates the family and friends betrayed by the addict’s lies and secrets.

Studies show porn is profoundly addicting, and those who regularly consume pornography automatically experience impaired empathy. Sam Carr writes, “In short, empathy and sexual objectification are incompatible.”

Repeatedly viewing explicit material that reduces the human body to a vessel for exploitative, often violent, sexual gratification without consent, results in reduced ability to understand and connect with other humans in real life. It diminishes the viewer’s capacity for healthy intimacy, and increases subconscious attitudes of misogyny, hatred against women, and viewing women as objects rather than whole people. Research shows that porn consumption and the resulting attitude of sexual objectification lead to higher levels of violence and aggression, especially toward women. “Is it any wonder that these attitudes of aggression, objectification, and lack of empathy are very much a problem on our porn-obsessed society?” 

Porn Use Is Adultery

Porn habits aren’t just about the content, either. Consuming porn leads to habits of deception, secrecy, and betrayal. Most sexual addiction rehabilitation programs focus on diagnosing the issue and changing behaviors, which is great — but then they stop there. That leaves an entire aspect of addiction unaddressed: the systemic mindset of violating human rights and abusing other people, which is inextricably entwined with porn addiction. 

“The problem is sexual acting out disorders are not just sexual behaviors (Minwalla, O., 2012), but are also abusive conduct patterns and complex pathologic systems, which often include elaborate deceptive compartmentalized sexual-relational realities and systems of abusive covert management (Jason, S., 2008; Minwalla, O., 2011; Minwalla, O., 2012). These are patterns of methodical planning over time, careful construction of manipulation of others and cognitive schemas well maintained in order to keep a compartmentalized reality protected from discovery (Jason, S., 2008). 

“It takes pre-planning to sexually-act out in many instances, sometimes requiring days of strategizing against the integrity of vital relational stability and family infrastructure required for health. In fact, maintaining a compartmentalized sexual or relational reality within a family system and relational intimate life takes profound energy to orchestrate and maintain, requiring careful and skilled methodology. This is not simply impulsive or compulsive sexual behavior,” says Dr Omar Minwalla, from the Institute for Sexual Health.  

The Acceptable Amount of Porn in a Godly Relationship is Zero 

In case it’s not obvious yet, I’m a firm believer that zero porn is acceptable. And yes, I believe there are men in the world who have taken a stand for sexual purity and refuse to fill their minds with other women’s bodies. 

PS: Those were just the warm-up questions. In part 2, I'll get down to the real stuff! Not.even.joking.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

1. Dr Omar Minwalla — https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com 

2. Psalm 82 Initiative — http://www.psalm82initiative.org

3. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Dr Barbara Steffens — https://amzn.to/2DuqFkU 

4. Dating Again? Support Group — WILD | Ever After: Because Dating After Abuse is Scary!

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