If you're like many women I coach, when you get down-in-the-dumps, you might be tempted to take a negative, self-destructive approach. 

That can look like: 

• pulling away from people who tell you the truth. 

• drinking too much. 

• using substances (legal or illegal) to numb yourself. 

• reading erotic literature.

• eating your feelings.

• drowning yourself in scrolling social media feeds (six hours of baby goat videos on tiktok, anyone?)

• having indiscriminate sex to distract yourself.

• attention-seeking behaviors.

• blaming others for your own choices to avoid taking responsibility.

• cutting off or sabotaging caring relationships.

• over or under-exercising.

You might feel so starved for affection that you end up doing something with someone that is just not healthy and you’re gonna regret it later--whether that is physically, emotionally, or sexually. 

Every woman who’s going through this wonders if she’s the only one, because nobody talks about it (especially not in the faith community!)... 

Often when we’ve been through a lot, we feel like we’ve done all the right things. Especially if you grew up in the faith community, you checked all the boxes, you did all the right things -- some women start to feel a little rebellious.

You may start to tell yourself "Hey! I should be able to do whatever I want! I put in my time, it got me nowhere, all I got was a ton of heartache for it. Now I just want to be free to go do all the things that everyone else in the world does. What's so wrong with that?!"

But if you stay at that point, you will stagnate in your post-traumatic healing. 

You'll get stuck there... zoning out on social media, feeding an entertainment or electronics addiction--and what you’re really doing is, you’re using. 

Like a crack addict. 

You’re using something to numb your mind. 
You’re watching TV all day so that you don’t feel your feelings. 
You’re going out on lots of random dates with people you’re not even interested in, doing whatever it is. 
You're drinking too much, relying on pills. 

You’re trying to fill a void. 

The thing is, if you’re trying to numb out, you’re becoming a user. 
If you are following even well-meaning friends’ advice, like “you just need to get out. You just need to go on a bunch of dates. You just need to do this…” 
That’s not going to fix anything for you, because at that point you’re becoming the kind of person who’s using someone else to fill a void. 

That’s not fair to the person you're using. 

And if you’re being honest with yourself, that’s not who you want to be, either. Am I right? 

That’s not you. 
That’s not the woman you want to be. 
That’s not the kind of human you were created to become. 

So it’s important to find healthy, non-toxic ways to still your mind. Healthy, healing routines to bring a sense of peace and calm in the chaos. 

You may not be able to fix anything in your horrific, broken relationship. 

You may not be able to extract yourself from a mind-blowing custody battle that’s gonna finish whenever it finishes and not a moment sooner. 

You may not be able to cut ties right now with a painfully toxic family member, or you may not be able to avoid that person at work who keeps making your life a living hell. 

But whatever the situation that makes you want to numb out, these are things that you can do instead of depending on other people or substances to fill that void. This is how you get unstuck in the healing process.

The other day I posted this photo on my facebook page.

I was sitting on my sunporch with my bible, my notebook, and my chipped toenails that desperately need a pedicure, and this is what I shared: 

Something that has carried me through #alltheyears of #allthethings, is daily quiet time early in the morning.

I call it my #JesusBubble. 

Time spent in the early stillness, handwriting promises into my journal, listening to inspiration, refocusing my scattered mind onto what really matters. 

How do you find peace and stillness? 
How do you quiet your mind? 
How do you harness your racing thoughts and wrestle them into focused clarity? 

I’d love to hear what works for you!

Intentionally finding a place for peace and stillness is one of the most important things for post-traumatic growth.

Finding a ritual, a routine, a tradition... Something that is meaningful to you, that quiets your mind, that lets God fill you up. I’m not talking about emptying your mind of all the important things, I’m talking about quieting your mind so that you can hear God, so that you can come into His presence.

Do you ever experience racing thoughts?
Do you ever have toxic thought loops that go around, and around, and around?
If that’s you, raise your hand virtually and drop a comment below.

A lot of survivors do this, especially if you’ve gone through emotional, spiritual, or verbal abuse, where you are always wondering if you’ve got it right, doubting and second-guessing yourself. 

This also happens to people who are on the autism spectrum. 
This also happens to people who struggle with ADHD. 

If you’ve been through trauma and you’re on the autism spectrum and you have ADHD... your brain might feel like it's exploding. all. the. time. 

I used to live like that, and my brain never quit. 
It never shut down for me. 
I could not “turn off” my brain, even at night.

But, I have found that certain routines and rituals work for me to really help bring stillness of mind in a healthy and safe way.

How have you found ways to quiet your racing thoughts? 
How have you learned to access that stillness of mind that brings peace and brings you into God’s presence?

When I asked these questions on Facebook, I got amazing feedback from my WILD community. 

I feel like I’m sensory-seeking. I feel like hot water in the shower, or the softness of my puppy’s ears. I hyper-focus on simple things in nature. I follow the veins on a leaf, or the curvature of a shell, or listening to the wind in the trees, or the surf at the beach, or listening to the wind and the rain and the thunder. 
-- Megan

These things calm her mind, focusing on the beauty of the simple things in nature, the things that are unspoiled. Megan writes out her worries because prayers focus her thoughts and allow some peace of mind.

Hyperfocus

Others said immersing themselves in hyperfocus on the good things stirs gratitude--a sense of thankfulness. That writing out prayers is something that is super helpful.

Praying aloud

I’ve found this helpful too -- writing out prayers, and praying out loud. Even if I’m alone, praying out loud. 

There’s something about putting our prayers out into the space around us, where we can hear it,  not just thinking our prayers in our mind (which is perfectly fine, too), but also praying where we are speaking it, hearing it, and writing it.

Journaling

I have a dozen journals filled with daily promises from over the years, where I will write down whatever verse, or I’ll do some kind of poetic phrases that are in a passage. Whatever stands out to me in each morning’s time, that I feel like God is really saying, “Hey. Look at this. This one. This is really good!”

I had one of those this morning and I ended up messaging it to a couple of my friends, so if you want to know what I read this morning, go browse Ezekiel 34. I’d never paid attention to that chapter before, it’s pretty amazing about the character of God.

I read my bible first thing each morning. It seems like life gets really crazy, really quickly, so I make time in the afternoon to write in my prayer journal, and I set a timer on my phone so I don't forget.
-- Tamara

I take a cup of coffee or tea out on my porch first thing when I wake up. If all the things just get to be too much during the day, I step out on the porch again and just look up. It only takes a few minutes to get calmed down and get my mind back on task.
-- Dana

I actually find more peace in giving my mind permission to not have to focus. I call it “peace, be still” time. It always seems to happen naturally when I have the curtains open to the trees in the backyard and the birds, and I just let myself zone out and relax and not have those racing thoughts.
-- Katie

I'm not at church when I do mine, the church I go to is outside. But I also often do prayer and journaling and worship in my living room.
--Lynn

Playing piano and music slows down my mind enough to be able to read and write. I try to get up and take a shower before my kids wake up, so that my fog is kind of cleared and helps me feel warm and relaxed and able to be a great mom.
-- Jamie

Others say they listen to sermons almost every day. Kathleen says she loves the #JesusBubble description and she lounges in the early morning with Jesus.

We each have the opportunity to find something unique and special, whether you are an auditory learner, or a visual learner, or you need to feel things, the multi-sensory-kinesthetic kind of person. 

There are as many ways to connect with Jesus outside of church, as there are people who need Jesus.

And the beautiful thing is, God can bring healing and relationship and connection with us in any of those ways, no matter where we are on the journey.

If You Prefer to Listen Instead of Read

I love the gentle Scripture Lullabies called “Hidden in My Heart”. They literally kept me alive through some hard times. I just put them on play, and shuffle through the albums over, and over again. 

If you like a little more rousing music, on my youtube channel I created a playlist of awesome domestic violence survivor songs... powerful, all faith-based songs, here:

Also I like to listen to the YouVersion Bible App I like the audio voice on the NLT version. And I will set the psalms to play when I can’t sleep at night, and I will set the timer to go off in 30 minutes or an hour, and it just knocks me right out.

A few years ago, I wanted to find a way to put promises inside my head somehow. So I created a playlist of soothing Scripture passages being read out loud in first-person, both in English and in Spanish. “Your Scripture meditations have gotten me through some pretty rough nights and mornings," Dale wrote me.

Another way to internalize calm hope? Record your prayers or favorite quotes and passages of Scripture, in your own voice. Just do it on a voice memo on your phone. Then, play those back so it's just you in your own ears, listening to your own voice, as you read God's word. This triples the impact, because they’re your thoughts, but they’re also outside your head, but they’re also inside your head... :)  

When we create these kind of rituals, when we create these kind of traditions and routines--we are finding ways the secular world would call grounding. We are rewiring our minds to think with uplifting, non-toxic positivity. 

We are bringing ourselves back to truthful reality in a healthy way that is empowering, that reminds us that God is in charge, and that gives us strength for continued healing.

If we don’t lean into the healing process, we get stuck. We don't experience post-traumatic growth. We just stay in victimhood, holding grudges, clinging to numbness, repeating whatever cycle temporarily fills that void--until the plug gets pulled and we drain down to empty again.

What I want for you? I want you to not boomerang in circles lost in the wilderness, but to actually step out--into the WILD. 

You deserve clarity, you deserve to experience transformational confidence. 
That’s what I want for you. 
That’s what God wants for you. 

Support Group>>WILD TraumaMamas: Because Momming After Trauma isn't for the Faint of Heart

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