In my coaching practice, it's pretty common for women who've experienced betrayal trauma, domestic abuse, or psychological terrorism to feel stuck.

The seemingly-everlasting trauma of being dragged through divorce and custody court often leaves protective parents feeling like you're trapped waiting for the nightmare to be over before you can really live.

But just because that's normal doesn't mean it's healthy.

I felt that way too, for the first couple of years.

I remember the exact day that my mindset switched gears. My lawyer had just given me some brutal updates about my custody case.

I felt frantic, helpless, overwhelmed. I needed to know, "When is this gonna be over? Will it ever finish? How do I plan for that?"

She looked at me, detached and uncaring, and she said, "Just go home and don't worry so much about all this. Live your life."

I wanted to scream...

"What life? This nightmare is my life! There is nothing on my horizon except this. I'm just trying to survive each day. All I can do is try to protect my kids and pay my bills and protect my kids and pay my bills and protect my kids... There is nothing else in my life except this!"

What do you mean, go home and just live my life?

That was the day I realized I had no idea when this legal torture might actually resolve. I also realized I was not going to be sane much longer if I kept waiting for it to finish before I decided to really live.

I had to make a choice.

Either I could keep letting the grief, the anxiety, and the post-separation abuse control everything on my horizon, or I could decide to live now in small ways, and keep my sanity.

This moment was nearly a decade ago now. And the process took a very long time... years, in fact.

But I stopped waiting for it to finish before choosing to live.

If you wait to live until the nightmare is over, until the healing is done, until the case is finished... Life is going to keep passing you by. These years will stay frozen in brain fog, stuck in time, lost forever. Your kids are still going to grow up, but you're not going to be able to get their childhoods back.

Waiting to heal means you'll internalize your traumatic stress instead of processing it, which is absolutely guaranteed to result in poorer mental health, higher risk of autoimmune issues, and even increased risk of things like cancers and other life altering conditions. (Ask me how I know? Cancer survivor here.)

If you're feeling trapped, perhaps it's time to intentionally, purposefully, strategically take back control of your life right now. Perhaps it's time to stop waiting for that magical receding mirage, where someday, maybe, it's finally all finished.

Here are four practical, proven steps to start choosing to live right now:

1) Get exercise daily.

This can be tiny exercise, it doesn't have to be a gym membership. You don't have to start training for a marathon. I mean, if you want to run a marathon, more power to you, but it's not necessary to still achieve this. Just take tiny steps to improve your health. Drink a big bottle of water. Do some jumping jacks. Sit in your living room floor and stretch for 30 minutes to keep your mobility.

2) Journal nightly.

Track the events and the emotions from your day. Every night, jot down five words that describe your feelings from what happened during the day, as a way to process your inner weariness. Then, write a truth statement. Ask yourself... What is actually true? Doing this puts those emotions into a framework that is realistic.

For example, your journal entry might read:
Exhausted
Fatigued
Hopeless
Sad
Grieving

Those might be your five words for the day. But what is the framework of truth that underpins all of these emotions?

Truth Statement: I love my kids more than anything else in the world and I will keep fighting for their safety.

This exercise doesn't fix your situation. But it puts things into a framework that helps to keep you going. Also, it provides a tangible record of your emotions and realities as you journey toward healing. Having this record in writing is a powerful way to look back and trace the patterns in your past.-

3) Take dance breaks often.

Now, I can't dance... it's hopeless. But, you don't have to actually dance to take a dance break. What I really mean is, make time for spontaneous moments of fun. This can be really hard if you are a serious-hearted person struggling with trauma, overwhelmed with duties, and trying to do #allthethings as a solo parent.

It may be the hardest of all four steps, but try to do it anyway. Make time for spontaneous moments of fun... (even if "spontaneous" means you set an alarm on your phone!)

Some of my kids' favorite memories are when we got soaked from running in the rain together. They had no idea I'd been in the back room with mountains of court paperwork spread out in front of me, trying to track all the patterns and figure out all the frauds. I was in an absolute funk of a brain space, but we ran in the rain and made a core memory.

For 15 minutes... I wasn't just the sad mom. I wasn't just the stressed mom. I was able to set that aside and intentionally choose to play with my littles, joining them in something that made their hearts dance and their eyes sparkle. Then they curled up to watch Kipper the Dog while I went back to combing through court stuff.

Do those things.

4) Get therapy or coaching, and get it now.

Yeah, I get it. Therapy and coaching costs money and you're on a shoestring budget. Do what it takes to get it anyway! It's still going to be cheaper than the mental health breakdown you're headed for, or the six extra years in litigation that may result from early missteps in your case.

Your kids deserve to have a happy, healthy mom... a mom who is rooted and grounded in what is true, in what is honest, in what is kind and just and right... even in the face of insurmountable obstacles.

You deserve to be that woman... instead of living in this mummified emotional state, even while you're breathing.

Don't wait to heal until it's over.

Court-Smart Communication Meets Tactical Custody Support

Are You...

• Scared because your ex keeps manipulating the court system?

• Struggling to stay organized, respond strategically, and prove patterns of harm?

• Burned out from juggling court deadlines, brain fog, and parenting under pressure?

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