Something's off. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but it’s there. 

Why is the nice decent guy you've fallen for turning so secretive, sullen or nit-picky? Or why does your charming “bad boy” have moments when he seems outright hateful? 

It doesn’t matter who you thought he was before, the fact is now... you’re wondering if you're in a relationship with someone who may not be as safe as you thought. 

Could it be that he’s being deceptive about his sexual activities?

You’ve never actually seen him looking at it but given the countless “weird” things you can’t quite put your finger on, here are few signs that may point to a compulsive use of porn:

1. He lacks empathy.
   He can just check out and stonewall you when you’re crying or hurt over something. Does his coldness send a chill up and down your spine? Does his indifference make you feel like there are two totally different people living inside him?  

2. He is secretive.
   You sense that you’re the “enemy” sometimes because of how secretive he is with you, someone he supposedly trusts. He gets defensive when anything comes up that might uncover his secrets, even if there really is no threat. He’s deliberate and selective in what and how he shares with you. Want to start World War III? Ask him to leave his phone alone for a while, or ask him where he was when he didn't come home on time.

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   How many of these red flags does he have?

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3. He blames others.
   Everything is your fault. His assistant’s fault. The guy at the bank. He never got the email. He didn’t have time because….. He didn’t get to it because…. You get the idea. He’s a master of twisting facts and distorting logic to create a skewed reality that excuses him and makes everyone else responsible. He never skips a beat in keeping the façade going. 

4. He lies easily.
   If he's lying to you, maybe you catch him lying or you just know he's not telling you the truth and you don’t even know why. Do you regularly sense like something’s just off but you can’t put your finger on it? Does money disappear without full disclosure with finances? Is the math not adding up? You’re sure you made that deposit. Where’s the $20 you put in your wallet early this morning? When you ask him about any of it he’s either nonchalant and indifferent or gets really angry or defensive.  

5. He's always on his phone.
   He is glued to his electronics. Is it never really clear who he’s talking to or messaging? Does he take a while to answer your messages or do your calls go to voicemail most of the time (and you KNOW he’s not a brain surgeon in the middle of a 10 hour surgery)? Does he consistently take his phone or tablet into the bathroom with him for extended periods of time? 

6. He has gaps in his time.
   He's been saying he's working late but you find out from some colleagues at work that he actually hasn't been. He says he's going to the store after work “to pick up a few things” but he doesn’t show up until much later? 

7. He's arrogant and entitled.
   He shows a general disregard for people, property, and feelings. He gets to ask questions but no one’s allowed to ask him questions. He treats people with low-key disdain, but perfectly charming and accommodating to their face. 

8. He shows flashes of anger.
   You can't figure out why he has a low boiling point for irritability. Do you feel like there are literally two different people living inside him? The seemingly normal and level headed guy, and, let’s just call it what it is… a total d*** other times? You wonder who the real “him” is. (Hint: the crazy guy is his real self). 

Another lesser talked-about but potentially significant sign of sexual entitlement: job performance.

How is he doing at work? Do people like him? Does he get work done? Does he work reasonable hours, or does he seem to be in constant overdrive and regularly working late nights? Does he blame all his work problems on his assistant, or their people or circumstances? 

A woman recently reached out to me about a situation at work. The things she shared were horrifying and it was clear that the person she was dealing with had serious issues, one of them very likely porn consumption. Of course, she couldn’t prove it, but his behavior in the context of a corporate setting displayed many (if not all) of these eight signs. 

A man’s job demeanor can be very telling of deeper sexual behavior issues which perhaps not even you as his girlfriend or wife, or his personal friend, may be aware of. If you’ve questioned his truthfulness or integrity about personal matters, it’s not a bad idea to question it about his job because ultimately, his work attitude paints a complete picture of who he really is, not just what you see. 

On the other hand, if a man is prone to rages or explosions at home, but perfectly capable of holding it together whenever he's at work or in social settings where there are other people to impress -- then you're definitely dealing with an abusive dynamic.

Your instincts are alerted for a reason.

That reason could very well be secret sexual activities connected with an integrity abuse disorder, especially if there seems to be cognitive dissonance between his public and private demeanor.

If something consistently feels off, there’s likely a reason.

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