You Can’t Control the Storm, But You CAN Learn to Surf

When you're caught in the storm of divorce and custody court, it can feel like you're trapped underwater, tumbling in the surf, crashing against the rocks... and so disoriented that you can't figure out which way is up for air.

If you’ve lived through betrayal trauma…
If you’re drowning under the weight of your family court battle…
If you’re exhausted from holding a life together while someone else tears it apart…

Take a breath....
This one’s for you.

Listen to the podcast here:

Because here’s the truth that no one tells trauma survivors early enough:

You can't control the storms that rage around you.
You can learn to surf the wild waves.

And yes—learning to surf when you’ve spent years barely keeping your head above water feels terrifying.
But it’s also possibly the most courageous identity shift you will ever make.

What if your greatest act of courage is choosing to anchor yourself not in what happens to you…
but in who you are becoming?

You cannot control:

• whether your ex continues the chaos
• whether the judge sees the truth
• whether the system functions fairly
• whether the storm eases tomorrow

But you can control:

• your own integrity
• your own identity
• your own internal alignment with what you know to be true
• your next courageous step
• your commitment to becoming fearless, free, and uncontrollable

That shift?
It changes everything.

💬 Favorite Concepts from the Episode:

• “When life gets chaotic, your power isn’t in stopping the storm. It’s in choosing how you respond to it.” — Sarah

• “Your body remembers the tension before your mind does. Listen to it, honor it, and let it guide your next step.” — Sarah

• “You can’t fix other people or force the outcome. You can protect your peace and show up for your family with clarity.” — Sarah

Catch this episode on YouTube:

If family court is eating you alive…
If high-conflict co-parenting is burning you out…
If post-separation abuse has you questioning your sanity…

I want to invite you into BASECAMP —
my strategy coaching community for protective parents.

Inside BASECAMP, you get:

🔥 weekly clinic calls
🔥 tactical guides for navigating the system step-by-step
🔥 tools for exposing high-conflict communication patterns
🔥 a judgment-free community that gets it
🔥 support for both strategy and sanity

Explore BASECAMP at myfreedomnavigator.com
and click on TOOLS to see everything available for you — including the Family Court COMPASS and Exposing the PLAYBOOK.

You don’t have to fight this alone.
Not anymore.

Stay rooted.
Start rising.
Begin becoming.

This WILD Journey is yours — and you’re not walking it alone.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

This WILD Journey is where the truth gets a chance to burn through the brain fog. It's where hope rises up from the ashes of betrayal and post-separation abuse. It's where survivors like you become the architects of their own freedom stories.

I'm your host, Sarah McDugal, and I'm hosting solo today. Coach Bren couldn't be with us this week, but I can't wait until she's back and we're able to do more of our family movie night episodes. I'm saving those to do together with her, but today's episode comes straight from the heart of a recent session inside my FREEDOM Navigator BASECAMP Strategy Coaching group, where protective parents gather to reclaim their voice and rebuild their lives and become powerfully equipped to walk in truth and clarity.

And this... what I'm about to share with you... isn't just more random information. It's about an entire mindset shift.

It's about reframing the way that you look at the whole world around you. Because when you've spent years, maybe even decades, living on high alert in hypervigilance, when your nervous system has been conditioned to protect and to predict and to always be on edge to prevent catastrophe, then the idea that you don't have to control every single outcome and manage all the outcomes? That can feel emotionally jarring. Completely foreign.

But I wanna challenge you with something today. What if your greatest act of courage is actually letting go of the illusion of control and anchoring yourself in who you are becoming?

In this episode, I was sharing inside my Inner Circle support group where we were unpacking why your identity matters more than your outcomes and how anchoring into God's presence, not just perfect performance, can actually carry you through the storm.

So whether you're neck deep in family court, or you're exhausted by nonstop high conflict co-parenting, or you're just bone tired of holding it all together... take a deep breath.

This one's for you.

Let's listen to you are becoming...

Victims of abuse have lived in survival mode and hyper vigilance, in fear, in oppression, where the expectation has been that it is your job to control and manage everything around you in order to make it possible for the abuser to never need to control themselves.

You have been expected to manage them and their environment so that they never have to manage themselves. This is a profound identity and daily mindset shift. It takes time and consistently reminding yourself and coming back to this like, oh, whoa, wait a second.

You cannot manage the outcome.

You can only manage the things that you can control and shifting from, I can control actions and environments to I can control my identity. I can control the way I think.

So having anchor points that we can keep coming back to that are identity based... that fearless, free and uncontrollable.

And recognizing that tiny habits create identities and identity change creates major life change, right?

Not I run, you know, when I'm not tired, when it's not raining, when it's not cold, and when I have time, but I am a runner. This is my identity. That shift is profound in how it plays out for you overall.

Application of it takes a lot of time to develop and the ideas of anchors and letting go of the outcome. It is reprogramming your brain. And I wanna be really clear about this.

When you have spent the last 20, 30, even 40 years living as someone who is responsible for outcomes in order for other people to not have to manage themselves... the idea of only managing me, and not even my own outcomes, just my identity, my own integrity? That is a massive focus shift.

It is a huge life shift. And it will take time for that to become your baseline instead of something that you have to consciously stop and reach for over and over again.

The whole concept of coming back to letting go of the outcome is a huge anchor.

How do we anchor into God so we have that stake in the ground, that pivot point, everything, being anchored in God when we see things that are playing out, and this is not how we wanted them to play out?

So I am very allergic to black and white closed answers and I will almost always come back around to a philosophical concept or a baseline that is a springboard to build autonomy over the actions that are based on the answer.

So when we're, when we're talking about anchoring this in God... first of all, and this is my perspective as a woman of strong and abiding faith, there is only one entity that loves your children even more than you do, and that is God. And God loves your children.

I also believe that God created free will and extended that free will to us. And because we live in a world of sin, we and our children are unfortunately guaranteed to experience the collateral damage of living in a world of sin.

And because everyone has free will, there are times when other people use their free will for harm, and we suffer as a result of them choosing to use their free will for harm.

That being said, that reality is why our primary goal as protective parents cannot effectively be to keep our children safe from all potential harm... because we do not live in a world without harm. For that matter let's dial that back from the harm potentially enacted by the other parent or the other parent's, family members.

You can't guarantee that if your child gets on their bicycle to go ride in the cul-de-sac, that they won't fall and skin their knee, or that someone on a motorcycle won't come zipping through and end up colliding with your child.

We cannot guarantee safety. We can't guarantee that a plane will land safely, that a car will arrive at its destination without getting hit by something else, that there will be no food poisoning when we get takeout or whatever.

You know, we cannot guarantee safety. What we can do is live in such a way that we are fearless, free and uncontrollable, and that we are trusting that at each step of the way we can go find answers to navigate the next step. And teaching our children to have that same courage and confidence.

When you are facing something that you don't know how to resolve, you can know how to go get answers.

That is a life skill that transcends the protective parent journey while they are minors. Also, giving them skills for:

how to recognize tricky people,

how to navigate when others are deceptive and unsafe,

how to stand rooted and grounded on what they know to be true for them to live fearless, free and uncontrollable...

is the greatest gift because they are going to have toxic bosses, abusive or toxic friends in their social circle, a really nasty roommate in college ,maybe an unhealthy dating relationship at some point.

They're going to have to navigate these things. Our role is to give them these tools now, and doing so comes back to that anchoring in God and in our faith. So giving yourself that anchor and helping your children understand:

you can't manage other people.

You can't manage the outcomes.

You can't guarantee a specific end for anything that you start.

What really matters is who you are in the process. What is your identity? How do you interact with others with a platform of integrity?

And who are you becoming? What is this changing you into?

Is it changing into a better, stronger, wiser, more courageous person of truth? Or an angrier harder, more vindictive, more explosive, dysregulated person?

It's about the trajectory.

And, I'm gonna go back to this, it's very much a mindset shift for those who were raised in high control theological environments because when you have that, that theological background. We tend to have been taught that things are either right or wrong.

You are either good or bad.

You are either doing it right or failing utterly.

And if we pull back from that and we say, I am becoming.

And I trip and fall and I get up and I continue trekking in this wilderness.

I am becoming... I am becoming more fearless.

I am becoming more free and rooted in truth. I am becoming increasingly uncontrollable where I have no price.

It is in that becoming... my integrity and my determination to stay true to the identity of the person God is calling me to be, is not for sale.

The anchor verse is Hebrews 6:19, which states we have this hope as an anchor for our soul firm and secure. In that anchoring, I can tell you what has been most helpful for me, and that is anchoring in the fact that God will carry me through.

The storm may not be removed, but he will carry me through.

Other people may continue to do evil things, but he will carry me through.

He has carried me through to now, and he does not force other people to do good anymore than I can force other people to do good. But he will carry me through when I am trusting him to do so.

Now, can I give you a word picture, which I have shared at different times before?

I find that having a mental visual helps us to just latch onto things in a really powerful way. So the word picture is from when I was drowning in my own custody battle in very early years, and I felt completely overwhelmed.

I knew I was this close to losing my kids, losing custody or just having them taken away. I was living in terror all the time. I was not fearless. I was not free.

And I woke up one morning around 4:00 AM and checked my messages. And one of my dear friends had messaged me and it started out, "please don't think I'm weird."

She's like, "this is really bizarre. I don't usually send people messages like this, please don't think I'm weird, but I had a dream about you."

And I'm like, "oh, okay." And she says, " I just feel like you need to hear it."

And she went on to describe how I was in the edge of the surf and I was underwater and tossing and turning and being tumbled around in the surf, bumped up against the reef and the rocks, and not able to find my way up, dying, drowning.

And God reached down and he pulled me up to the surface and let me catch my breath. And then he handed me a life ring and pulled my arms through the life ring so that I could stay above water.

The waves are still there, the storm is still there, the rain is still beating down.

The water is still roiling and tumbling underneath the surface.

The storm has not eased, but I'm above water and I can breathe.

He lets me rest and catch my breath. Although I'm still being tossed and turned in all of the waves. Water's still crashing over my head, but at least the life ring, you know, is keeping me where I can access oxygen.

And as time goes on, God trades my life ring for a surfboard and he picks me up and puts me on the surfboard. And he begins teaching me to surf.

And as time passes, I learn to surf. The rain still beats down, the waves are still crashing, the thunder is still there.

The storm has not changed, but the power of the water that was once drowning me is now propelling me forward with my surfboard. The storm is still there, but i'm no longer a victim of the storm.

The weather hasn't changed.

I've changed.

And I sat and cried as I read that and it hit me in the gut and the feels and all of the things. And I have never forgotten it.

It's been years and there are still times when I feel completely overwhelmed with whatever it is that's going on. And I remember, no, no, no, no, no. I don't have to stay under the water, under the surf.

I know how to surf. I have a surfboard and I have the skill. I can surf.

Sometimes the storm eases and sometimes it doesn't. But we can be different.

Now I know this is all very philosophical and not like, here's a step 1, 2, 3. But sometimes it is really helpful to hear a big picture worldview that changes the mindset instead of just having the baby steps.

/

 You may not be able to control the storm, but you can learn to surf it.

You can become the kind of parent and protector and just a whole person who isn't defined by the chaos around you, but by your character. And it's true... the waves? They might not stop. The lightning may still be crashing and flashing, but the person you're becoming... is no longer drowning.

Instead, you're surfing... even in the storm!

So here's the question, or maybe two or three questions. Who are you becoming when no one else is watching? And what kind of legacy are you shaping with every hard decision? What identity are you anchoring into when the outcome is completely outside of your control?

That's a lot to chew on. If you are sitting here thinking, "oh my goodness, this is exactly what I'm dealing with," maybe the chaos in your life is actually that family court kind of case, then I wanna invite you to join us inside BASECAMP. It's my coaching community for protective parents who are navigating post-separation abuse, family court trauma, and the weight of all of that high stakes, high conflict co-parenting with someone who you can't rely on and can't trust.

Inside BASECAMP, you get weekly clinic calls. You get my step-by-step tactical guides for how to navigate the system. And you get proven battle tested tools for clarity. On top of that, you get a supportive judgment free space where survivors get equipped to really fight with courage.

Head over to www.myfreedomnavigator.com to explore BASECAMP and click on TOOLS to see our other resources. Everything from the Family Court COMPASS to Exposing the PLAYBOOK so that you can have a blueprint to anticipate your abuser's next move in family court.

All of the FREEDOM Navigator tools are designed with one thing in mind: empowering you to become fearless, free, and uncontrollable.

I know this journey isn't easy, but you don't have to be fighting it in isolation! So until next week, remember, you aren't walking This WILD Journey all alone.