Traumaversary:
When your body and emotions respond to a past trauma event as though it is happening in the present... even if the brain has forgotten about it. 

"I don't know what's going on!" my friend was having a terrible week. "I'm forgetting everything, I'm not sleeping well, and I feel jittery even though I haven't had any coffee. Like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, or the flu... but I don't think I'm sick!"

"Have you checked the calendar?" I asked her. I opened our chat history on my phone and checked to see what we had been talking about one year ago this week.

"I've got it! Exactly one year ago... your kiddo was in the hospital. You were juggling three jobs while driving back and forth from the hospital every day. Your body remembers!"

"Oh my word, you're right! So I'm not going crazy," she exhaled in relief. "It's just a traumaversary. Well now I know what to do..."

***

A traumaversary is whenever your body remembers a traumatizing event on the anniversary of when it happened.

Your traumaversaries might look like...

• This was the day I left, five years ago.
  Today would have been my 17th wedding anniversary.

It could be other things too, not related to spouse or marriage...

• the anniversary of a miscarriage,

• a life-altering diagnosis, or

• the death of a relative or friend.

Quite often, you may not even realize it at first. But once you have the tools to recognize that you're experiencing a traumaversary, you're no longer hostage to those overwhelming emotions and physiological sensations. Instead, you're able to change the game and give yourself grace.

When you've recognized that you're experiencing a traumaversary, you'll want to do these four things:

1) Acknowledge.
This is what I’m experiencing right now...
I feel nauseated.
I'm on edge and irritable.
I just want to crawl back into bed today.
My head is pounding and I feel weak all over.

2) Accept.
I accept that I’m struggling right now.
I’m probably going to be in a funk for the next three or four days, and that's okay.
I know that this will pass, and I'm feeling this way for a reason.
My body knows more than my brain does sometimes, and today is one of those times.

3) Embrace.
I embrace the fact that I'm dealing with external and overwhelming factors.
These factors are emotional, not rational, and that's perfectly okay.
I can embrace these days of body-grief, and let my heart and mind feel it too.
I can feel these things and still treat others with respect and kindness while I'm struggling.

Go-to support hub for women who are ready to thrive after surviving abuse or betrayal — with super affordable, trauma-sensitive group coaching + community.

4) Ignore. 
I can ignore the temptation to feel that this is permanent -- without ignoring my grief.
I can ignore my impulse to gloss over the emotions or distract myself with unhealthy activities.
I can ignore my knee-jerk response to fix things, and give myself grace instead.
I choose to ignore the temptation to create a sense of permanent obligation to these temporary feelings, and let myself just feel the feelings.

If you don't recognize that you're having a traumaversary, you're likely to place a subconscious sense of permanence on all the negative or overwhelming feelings you have right now. Then you'll start to tell yourself, "I need to change this! I need to fix that! I have to reconnect with this toxic person. I'm never going to heal. This is never going to get better..."

SUPER IMPORTANT SURVIVAL TIP:

Take no actions.
Do no big things.
Make no decisions.
Don’t change life-course, or enroll in school, or drop out, or quit your job, or get a new job, or chop your hair off, or get a tattoo... when you're having a traumaversary. 

Wait at least a week before doing anything drastic!

Just cocoon in the grief with a lot of grace. 

Now, in two or three weeks if you are still feeling overwhelmed and on edge, then you may need to check with your doctor about signs of depression. Or you might need to schedule a few sessions with a qualified trauma therapist. You might need testing for additional health challenges or hormonal imbalances.

But first, give yourself a reasonable length of time for the agitation to pass. And be overwhelmingly kind to yourself and others while you are feeling off-balance.

How can you show kindness to others during your own traumaversary?

Part of being kind to others can include being open and honest and giving them a gentle heads-up about what you're going through. There's no need to spill your guts, just tell them:

• “I’m experiencing a grief anniversary, and I just need a little extra space.”

• “I’m sorry if I seem quieter/short-fused/distracted/foggy/tired this week, I'm working through some stuff."

• "I should not have snapped at you yesterday... it wasn't you, it was me. I’m dealing with a grief anniversary."

• "I’m trying to keep my private life private, but I’m dealing with some extra emotional burdens for a few days."

• "I’ll be fine in a week or so. I’ve got my therapist/coach involved.”

What you do NOT want to do, is knowingly or unknowingly channel your fury, rage, anger, grief, or other volatile emotions onto innocent bystanders in your life. They didn't cause this season for you, and if you take it out on them, you can’t take it back.

For example, imagine that you are completely unaware of your traumaversaries, and one day you are feeling awful. You lash out at your loving new spouse with words like, “I hate coming home to you! I don’t want to be here. I don’t know why I ever married you!”

It's not actually how you feel about them, because you do love them, but during a traumaversary you're feeling transported back to a time when you felt that way in another relationship. But now your grief anniversary is talking and you've poured that emotional acid onto someone who doesn't deserve it. They're hurting, you're sorry... and you can’t take that back.

How can you show kindness to yourself during a traumaversary?

There are lots of ways to be kind to yourself when your body is remembering a trauma. These can include taking steps such as:

• clearing your schedule,

• doing no draining activities,

• saying no to extra things,

• going to sleep early,

• scheduling an extra session with your therapist,

• getting away for a day of quiet time,

• taking a hot bath,

• curling up with a safe partner or friend to watch funny movies,

• letting yourself cry as much as you need to.

Whatever you do that works for you, make sure to put this date on the calendar for next year, with a reminder at least 3 days in advance.

That way, you can plan ahead for it next year, instead of being blindsided!

If you’re wondering which season of healing you’re in right now, be sure to grab the Seasons of Healing workshop today!

"Seasons of Healing" Launches You on the Path to:

• know which season of healing you're in right now.

• discern what your mind & body need most in this season.

• identify the four growth pillars of healing.

• experience the four mindset shifts that lead to wholeness.

You'll begin to:

• reclaim your voice from the silence.

• take back control of your choices.

• find purpose in the pain.

• build healthy new patterns.

Or join the SCOOP and get any workshop, course, or coaching for 15% OFF today!

DIVORCE IS SCARY.
(Custody litigation with an abusive co-parent is even scarier.)

You need tested tools to walk you through the nightmare of divorce & custody court ...without losing your mind!

I've got you covered.

• 6 Ways to Find the Best Attorney to Save Your Kids (eBook)

• 101 Questions to Ask Before You Hire a Divorce & Custody Attorney (workbook)

• How to Craft a Winning Strategy for Your Divorce & Custody Battle (strategy guide)

• and more!

Get these kickass tools and skip spending tens of thousands on the wrong attorney!

Follow on Facebook and Instagram.
Subscribe on YouTube for hundreds of free videos on abuse recovery.

Browse my Best Books List to find safe resources on betrayal trauma, healing, relationships, and more!