This morning, I was tagged on a Facebook post by Focus on the Family (FOTF) under a video of Emerson Eggerichs promoting his series called “Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect” and asked for my thoughts.

Interestingly, between the time I clicked on Sherry’s tagged comment and then watched Eggerichs’ 2-minute video clip, her comment asking for my thoughts seems to have been deleted by FOTF. 

I posted a brief response in the comment thread, even though Sherry’s request was already gone:

As I browsed the rest of the comments, and noted the 492k views that had accrued over the 6 days since it was posted, I collected my thoughts and decided to post them here — because this is a crucial topic that needs to be addressed.

First of all, let’s assess the description/sales copy that accompanies the video, posted by FOTF:

Your relationship with your son is tense at best. He’s making terrible choices that affect everyone in your home. If he’s not screaming, he’s shut down and won’t talk to you. It feels like none of your conversations are pleasant or productive. And worst of all it feels like your son is slipping away from you. He used to be so sweet and wanted to spend time with you. Now you’re not sure if you want to spend time with him, he’s so angry and you are too. How can you get that relationship back? 

Okay. So immediately we know that FOTF and Eggerichs are not talking about abusive parents/moms who just love to yell and scream. They’re specifically addressing a situation where your son is actively making “terrible choices”, and it's not just affecting him. His bad choices are affecting “everyone in your home”. He’s either screaming or shut down. He used to be sweet. Everyone is angry and tense. 

What FOTF’s sales copy describes is actually a situation with an abusive son. A son who wasn’t always this way and has become angry and demanding over time. 

This indicates a concerning shift in the son’s reality. But Eggerichs doesn't encourage mothers to probe into the underlying reasons why.

Instead, in this video, he urges mothers to placate their sons using terms like, “I’m not trying to dishonor you”, “I don’t understand this”, “Can you solve this?”.  

Eggerichs’ magical solution is for mothers to fawn over sons, giving him unearned respect despite despicable behaviors, and minimizing her own wisdom and authority. 

In other words, mamas, stroke your kiddo’s ego and play dumb. 

This helpless-damsel trope is eerily similar to the way Eggerichs and other popular authors (see my point-buy-point book review of the intensely problematic issues in Every Man’s Battle by Arterburn and Stoekker) suggest that women should manipulatively maneuver their husbands.

“I just don’t understand, but you’re a big smart man, can you explain it to me? I’m a helpless woman, and I can’t solve it on my own…”

What if... instead of teaching mothers to employ manipulation tactics to appeal to a son's ego (because this kind of behavior deserves zero respect), what if... parents were encouraged to ask deeper questions?

• What’s going on underneath?

• Has he been exposed to something traumatizing? 

• Is he being bullied at school?

• Is there a substance abuse issue going on?

• Are there other significant changes in patterns of behavior or routine? 

• Is it possible he has been sexually or physically assaulted and is struggling with anger and shame? 

• Is he spending more time than before on electronic devices, creating the cranky discontent that often results from a media/screen addiction, or a growing porn addiction? 

First, know that you are not alone. We’ve been there and we have advice that can help.

Who is “we”? The tens of thousands of families harmed by the abuse-enabling messages and materials that FOTF keeps promoting? 

Here's our gift to you. It's called Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect, and it has has helped hundreds of parents understand how their relationship with their son became hostile and toxic and helped them know what to do about it. In it you’ll find support for moving beyond yelling, tears, and regret. 

Gifts are great. But why do the solutions seem to only be focused on moms and sons? The core cycle of yelling, tears, and regret would be exactly the same if a mother is treating her daughter that way. It’s not a mother-son issue and it’s not a male-respect issue.

Note that FOTF responds to Lisa’s question about whether this series includes dads, by telling them it doesn’t.

Eggerichs’ emphasis on treating sons with respect appears to have little or nothing to do with the Holy Spirit calling parents to be decent humans to their children, and everything to do with a gender driven sense of “place”.

According to Eggerichs' approach, even for underage boys, mothers must tread softly on the male ego and place boys on a pedestal of “unconditional” (read that, “undeserved”) respect at all times. 

So many like you have regained their relationship with their boy, like Miriam, “This year we’ve had quite a struggle with our teen son. . . then I come across your video series. At first it was difficult to think about giving unconditional respect regardless of whether his actions were respectable. But I put the advice into practice, offering respect when it was not deserved, but given just because he is our son. I believe it saved our relationship!”

There is a huge difference between treating our children with kindness and dignity (which is vital to raising healthy children), and “giving unconditional respect regardless of whether his actions were respectable.”

How is this consistent with the biblical teaching to judge fruit by actions?

A quick review of scripture texts make it easy to see that, while these verses may be directly referring to how God treats us according to our deeds, there is no biblical basis for giving unconditional respect from an authority figure when actions are not respectable:

“Just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.” Matthew 7:20

God “WILL RENDER TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO HIS DEEDS: to those who by perseverance in doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, eternal life; but to those who are selfishly ambitious and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, wrath and indignation.” Romans 2:6-8 NASB1995

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” 2 Corinthians 5:10

Get started healing your relationship with him now in a way where he will hear you and be guided by you.

The concept of unconditional respect from mature adult mothers toward immature minor sons, based simply on their gender, is an egregious misrepresentation of both scripture and common sense.

God’s word clearly directs sons to honor their parents, specifically stating that a son’s honor and respect must be directed toward his mother. 

Just a few include:

•  Leviticus 19:3 (Every person must respect his mother and his father…)

•  Exodus 20:12/Deuteronomy 5:16/Matthew 15:4 (Honor your father and your mother) this one’s a commandment

• Ephesians 6:1-2 (Children, obey your parents in the lord)

• Leviticus 20:9/Exodus 21:17 (Anyone who curses his father or mother shall be put to death)

• Proverbs 23:22 (Do not despise your mother when she is old)

• Leviticus 19:3 (Every one of you shall revere his mother)

• Proverbs 29:15 (Reproof gives wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.)

• Proverbs 6:20/ Proverbs 1:9 (Forsake not your mother’s teaching)

• 2 Timothy 1:5 (Timothy was trained in religious education by his mother and grandmother)

Don't overlook Proverbs 31:1-31 - The entire passage shows the strong, unflinching, authoritative words of the Queen Mother to her grown adult son King Lamech, “What are you doing, my son? Don’t do this, don’t do that, you are wrong in this, you need to correct that…” 

She doesn’t wheedle, fawn, or minimize herself to make the message more palatable. 
She doesn't put her son on a pedestal, not even since he's the king.
She doesn't mince words to spare his ego. 
She doesn't even side with him against his wife. 

Nope, this Queen Mama outlines in detail the type of woman she wants her son to look for: a woman who is strong, capable, trustworthy, accomplished, and to whom he is expected to give complete supportive freedom to operate in business and at home. 

The concern expressed in scripture is never whether a mother should unconditionally respect her son despite his bad behavior in order to avoid him feeling guilty. 

Instead, Scripture points out that careful training and healthy reproof is crucial, to the OPPOSITE purpose - to avoid the child bringing shame to the MOTHER as they grow into a selfish, dishonorable, uncontrolled man.

Nowhere does the Bible promote any aspect of the idea that mothers should tiptoe around the edges of teaching and reproving sons, simply because sons are male.

Eggerichs’ teaching is tantamount to idolatry. For those who recognize the signs of enmeshment and toxic motherhood, this could be a textbook guide on how to raise entitled, self-centered, demanding, narcissistic sons who have been conditioned from childhood to believe that they are above all correction or reproof or critique especially when the source is female. 

Eggerichs appears to have invented an entire theology on this unbiblical concept, starting with his abuse-enabling series on Love & Respect, and then expanded into a dangerous parenting philosophy. And FOTF just keeps promoting it as though it were gospel truth (see Sheila Gregoire's powerful open letter to FOTF on this subject). 

This is not to be confused with following Christ’s example of treating each other with unconditional dignity and human value.

In fact, the argument could be made that the FOTF approach to unconditional respect, is actually an alarmingly convincing counterfeit for the true biblical call to honoring the imago Dei in each other, both parents and children. 

Seeing the face of God in those around us, treating them with the dignity and value of being created in the image of God — is an entirely different (and beautiful) thing. 

Disturbingly, Eggerichs also makes a pointed note of distinguishing between “single moms” and “regular moms”. 

Newsflash FOTF — single moms ARE regular moms. 

Single mamas are just typically doing twice the work with half the support, often on less than half of the budget. If anything, single moms are often faced with more complex parenting challenges precisely because the mom and children have experienced the result of a husband/father who demanded unconditional respect regardless of the respectability of his behavior, and now the single mom is trying to pick up the pieces and not repeat the generational cycle. 

Telling this a single mother that she needs to essentially bow and scrape and tiptoe around the ego of her underage sons, rather than teaching sons to have a sense of honor and appreciation for their mothers’ investment into them — is turning the entire issue inside out on the basis of masculine entitlement.

This type of statement carries the potential to cause untold harm and retraumatization to single mothers who are already struggling to bear up a crushing load while feeling inadequate, abandoned, betrayed, and less-than. This was noted in multiple comments on the thread, as well.

In Eggerichs’ words in the video, the problematic dynamic begins when “the boy is not performing” so mothers feel like they have to “up the disrespect”, until the son is in tears. 

This presupposes that all forms of correction from a female are rooted in “disrespect” toward a male. 

If she says something negative, it’s “disrespect”. 
If she gives parental correction, it’s “disrespect”. 
If she needs to speak firmly and redirect him and he doesn’t like it, it’s “disrespect”. 
If she is frustrated or upset, it’s “disrespect”. 
If she is emotional enough to show her feelings, it’s “disrespect”. 

Now... I’m not suggesting for one hot second that tirades and outbursts are effective or recommendable parenting methods. 

I believe parents should openly and freely apologize to children (regardless of gender) when the parent has acted in an unchristlike way. I believe being a decent, compassionate, caring, truthful human being is a foundational baseline for parenting well - regardless of gender. 

Just to say it loud and clear for all the trolls and detractors pushing their way in from the back -- I’m not addressing Eggerichs’ content for the purpose of endorsing a yell/cry/regret/anger-filled parent-child dynamic. That’s unhealthy on both sides. It's unhealthy and unChristlike for fathers OR mothers, daughters AND sons. 

But it has everything to do with healthy emotional regulation, communication, dignity, and conflict resolution rather than mother-son gender roles.

It is crucial to expect and insist upon decent, compassionate, caring, truthful behavior from our children. 

But fostering a son's a sense of entitlement over their mother is not a healthy solution. Teaching sons that ego is more important than empathy will merely raise them to expect the same subservience and idolatry from their wives and daughters twenty years from now. 

And that attitude, really, is something the world doesn’t need any more of.

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