So you discovered he's been using porn, or sexting a co-worker, or slept with a prostitute... and everything went fuzzy and turned gray for a while. 

Now you're trying to make sense of what this means, what impact it makes, and how you can turn things around... I've been there. It's hell. And I want to share with you what to expect -- because you're probably getting a lot of mixed information. 

Here goes...
There is literally nothing you can do to make him get better.

Porn consumption is not a marriage or relationship problem.

It's not going to get better with some magical formula for intimacy.
It's not going to get better by you working on being a perfect fantasy wife.
It's not going to get better if you try to compete with the women he watches on screen.

Porn use is an integrity issue.
Porn use is a betrayal of vows.
Porn use is cheating.

It's adultery.
Full stop.

Porn consumption thrives on a dynamic of deception, manipulation, secrecy, self-serving, lack of intimacy, confusion, fear of abandonment, emotional disengagement, exploitation...

It not only thrives on these, it drives them. The presence of porn in a relationship cultivates elements which are the opposite of love, honor, protection, respect, and cherishing one's spouse.

The choice to consume porn is the choice to indulge in compulsive sexual entitlement and to nurture an integrity abuse disorder. (Read The Secret Sexual Basement by Dr Omar Minwalla.)

Porn addiction cannot be fixed in couples counseling.

His choice to indulge in a secret sexual life was not caused by you as his wife, and it absolutely cannot be fixed by you, as his wife. Or co-dependency counseling. Or anger management classes.

There is nothing you as his wife can do to make him less compulsive, or unaddicted. There is no version of you that can successfully compete with or win over the images and videos on a screen.

That's not how compulsive entitled sexuality works.

Until he decides for himself to do the very hard, identity de-constructing work of addressing his sinfully addictive choices -- there is no hope for creating a healthy marriage.

Until he voluntarily chooses to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to become sober-minded, pure-hearted, and completely surrendered to the humility of non-stop accountability -- there is nothing you can do.

Even then, you can't do the work of addiction recovery for him. He has to do this for himself, on his own, without you holding his hand and smoothing the way and setting up the appointments and texting him reminders to make sure he gets there.

So what CAN you do?

You can invest in your own healing and focus on recovery from the betrayal.

When you discover that your husband has sexually betrayed your trust, you're likely to experience a wide range of emotions that are normal and valid.

You can read books (like this one) and start clarity coaching (here), to guide you through the fog of betrayal that you're experiencing -- but you cannot fight this battle for him.

Coming out of the trauma fog is like being super nearsighted and getting a stronger prescription little by little until my sight is clear. -- Meghan, a Survivor

The journey of transformation must be his and his alone. 

You cannot walk it for him. 
You cannot carry his pack. 
You cannot help him by shouldering the weight. 
You cannot diminish his consequences out of pity or pain. 

If you do, you'll be the well-meaning child who "helps" the butterfly out of the cocoon leaving it permanently crippled.

He must fight -- and win -- the battle for himself.

This is how he heals.
Or doesn't heal.

Either way, the choice is his to make.
The burden is his to take.
The work is his to complete.

Think of it this way:
if a heroin addict has a gourmet chef creating exquisite meals at home, it won't take away his craving for heroin. It doesn't matter what the chef serves -- the addict craves a hit of the hard stuff. That is all. It won't matter how much nutritional education you provide, or how the chef tempts his tastebuds with treats... unless (and until) the heroin addiction is addressed, it will dominate everything else.

The difference between heroin and entitled sexual compulsion? The heroin addict needs an outside substance in order to get high. The sexually compulsive porn user only needs to recall images in their own mind's eye. This means that the detox and rebuilding process for recovery is much longer and must go much deeper to rewire the user's entire worldview and thought processes.

That's part of the reason why couples' counseling is typically toxic in these situations. Traditional marriage counseling tends to focus on how to get the most compliant partner to come around, instead of how to rewire the compulsive user's sense of entitlement or hold the abuser responsible to act with integrity and trustworthiness.

When a counselor asks the wife of a porn addict, "Do you still love him? How committed are you to working through this and supporting him?" they're putting the focus in the wrong place. They're trying to pigeon hole the victim into overlooking the trauma of betrayal, instead of focusing on the user's ongoing lack of integrity which is causing the trauma and impeding healing. 

If your counselor is trying to get you to address one set of actions at a time instead of assessing the overall pattern of behaviors, or they're telling you not to "dig up the past", they are enabling the continuation of deception and compulsive behaviors.

Compulsive sexual entitlement is a system of behavior. The emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual, financial, and physical aspects of abuse that typically are present in a relationship where one partner is entitled -- make up a system of behavior. These structures present themselves in traceable patterns, which flow out of habits, which are the chains that bind the betraying partner to their mindset of entitlement and control.

Many "Christian" counselors have been taught unbiblical myths about forgiveness, and unwittingly use these myths as weapons against survivors of betrayal trauma.

If your counselor is taking this approach, they're going to cause you more harm than good. If your pastor, church leaders, or therapists are confusing forgiveness with reconciliation prior to proof of genuine and lasting repentance -- find new ones.

Trying to reconcile the person experiencing trauma without addressing long-term change in the person perpetrating addiction and abuse, is like trying to dress a gunshot wound with a bandaid while ordering the victim not to whimper.

It proves not only the incompetence of the one providing treatment, but also runs a high risk of killing the one who is bleeding out.

“I hear forgiveness often used as a weapon of shame rather than a tool for freedom.

I hear it used to silence those who come into my office looking for healing from their past sexual abuse, or from a violent marriage where the husband regularly sexually violates his wife while citing scriptures of submission and forgiveness, or the well-meaning pastor that says, “You need to forgive your father, husband, grandpa, sexual abuser, etc.… and move on with your life…”

I am sure you have heard these things too.

Forgiveness, used to hush the victim rather than shatter chains and set the wounded free. 

We should forgive those who have abused us, but that is not to be the first or final response to our exploitation. Before we enter forgiveness we must enter the rage, and the fullness of the injustice. Fury at the unfairness, anger at the innocence lost, a fierceness that reminds you that you matter, that you are worth raging over.” -- Andrew J. Bauman

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