How do you show love when the other person is actually unsafe?

It's fairly easy to give love when the other person is healthy, kind, faithful, and loves you back. But what about complicated, unsafe situations? What about the relationships which haven't been defined by mutual selflessness and devotion? 

In our broken and wounded world, it's an unavoidable fact...

• Not all relationships are safe.

• Not all friendships are healthy.

• Not all families are non-toxic.

If we truly want to love well, we can't focus solely on the happy, joyful, two-way streets of affection in our lives. 

We also are obligated to tackle the unpleasant topic of how to love well when a relationship isn't healthy...

• ...when you're being taken advantage of.

• ...when you're being torn down.

• ...when you're being abused or hurt.

• ...when they're cheating on you or threatening you.

• ...when someone else is treating you like their verbal or physical punching bag.

How do you love well THEN?

When the other person makes you afraid?
When they are abusive or cruel or adulterous or unpredictable or dangerous?

Allowing someone else to act abusively toward you, or staying silent while they abuse vulnerable people around you, is not love.

What do you do when loving well means setting scary boundaries, because the other person is simply isn't safe? How do you avoid using the idea of stronger boundaries as a fix-all, where the victim is expected to shoulder the weight of transforming the relationship? (Hint: that doesn't work effectively.)

ONE -- acknowledge that the unsafe relationship is not okay.

Stop ignoring the red flags and making excuses for the other person's behavior.
Listen to that little voice in your head that keeps telling you something is off.

If you're in a manipulative or emotionally abusive relationship, that little mental voice may be dulled from months or years of the other person making you doubt what you know to be true, or feeding you misinformation to keep you off balance. That's called gaslighting.

gaslight
[gas-lahyt]
verb
to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through psychological manipulation; in reference to the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which an abusive husband secretly and repeatedly dims and brightens the gaslights in the house while accusing his wife of imagining the flickering.

TWO -- seek out professional input to handle your unsafe relationship. 

Ask for help to recognize ways you may be trying to "show love" but are ultimately enabling unhealthy patterns instead. Ask for insights to where safe limits should be, and whether any worrisome behaviors toward you are abusive. Then... listen to what those counselors and mentors tell you. 

Don't let yourself get caught up in making excuses for the toxic person. Pray for guidance and wisdom and courage to see your reality clearly.

THREE -- reflect on the lessons you can learn from each encounter. 

This is where "Forgive and Forget" is absolutely rubbish advice (see my article on that here). Every time you sweep a conflict under the rug and forget about it, you miss the opportunity to learn from the experience and improve the relationship. 

Try keeping a journal of high-conflict instances, and look back to see the patterns and trends. If the other person is willing to work on the relationship, this will be helpful. If they aren't willing, your documentation will validate that you're not making things up and you're doing the right thing to  take action to seek safety (see step 5).

FOUR -- analyze your own core values. 

Measure priorities and create benchmarks for what you will and wont allow in your life. What things mean the most to you? What are your non-negotiables?

How are your core values being fractured or threatened by the unhealthy patterns in your difficult relationship?

Is your loyalty to the relationship in conflict with your loyalty to your values?
Use your conclusions here to inform step five.

FIVE -- set safe limits. 

Decide what you are and are not willing to accept in your relationships. This does not mean you are controlling the other person, simply stating where you stand and what actions you will take depending on their choices. 

These limits might look like:

• I choose to have a home free of pornography and sexual exploitation. If you choose to keep using porn, this cannot be my home. 

• I will only participate in conversations that are emotionally safe. If you choose to mock, degrade, or threaten, I can no longer be part of that conversation. 

• I am committed to raising my children in safety. If we are endangered by risky or aggressive behavior, we cannot be here. (This could range from family reunions where grabby Uncle J is invited, to intimate partner violence at home.)

Once you've decided what your values and limits are, outline them clearly in writing in a private journal or other safe place. 

>>>Depending on the severity of your situation, it may be wise to go through these five steps secretly until you have a support network in place. Please don't risk injury by prematurely expressing your relational boundaries and expectations in an unsafe environment. 

A domestic violence advocate from your local shelter or Family Justice Center can guide you through a safety plan. 

Take Decisive Action

1. Call 9-1-1 if you're in immediate danger, or go to your county courthouse or police station to report abusive behavior or threats. If you're unsafe, seek help immediately.

2. If you feel unsafe, but you're not in danger, seek a counselor or other professional support provider who can help you make a safety plan and explore growth options.

3. If you're in a relationship where pornography, infidelity, addiction, or other emotional/verbal abuses are present, and you'd like support from others who have survived it, find community in a WILD support group here.

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(Custody litigation with an abusive co-parent is even scarier.)

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Support Group>>WILD TraumaMamas: Because Momming After Trauma isn't for the Faint of Heart

Have you lost friends and relationships after escaping abuse?

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