There's this commonly accepted belief that when you’re stressed out, you’re naturally going to take out your stress--kind of like a pressure release--on the people who are closest to you. 

So often, women tell me "I've gone to my pastor about my husband's verbal and emotional abuse, and they tell me I just need to be forgiving and pray for him more, and maybe I should stop doing things that set him off." 

Spiritual leaders often mistakenly advise: “Well, you know, that behavior is kind of normal. Your husband can’t take it out on his crew, he can’t take it out on the people at work, he can’t take it out on the people at church. So it’s perfectly normal for him to come home and blow off all of his pressure by taking it out on you by being angry, and belligerent, and violent, and having anger management issues at home.” 

Is it a commonly accepted belief that it is normal? Unfortunately, yes. 
Is it healthy, and should you accept it? No.

Here’s why...

If we are seeking to build our home relationships from the perspective of a biblical, healthy, Christlike family--if we are Christians--this whole idea that you can take out your pressure and anger on the people closest to you is completely incompatible with who Jesus is, and how Jesus calls us to live.

We tend to accept this false belief that you can just take out your anger on those closest to you, because they're supposed to love you anyway.

There’s this idea that someone who truly loves you can see you at your worst and stick around. 
We teach that this is the litmus test of real commitment. And there is a lot of truth to that. 

But there is also warped application. 

We act like you are supposed to be able to blow off steam on people closest to you and they’re supposed to understand. They’re not allowed to leave, so they’re supposed to put up with you no matter how nasty you treat them. But we hold ourselves back with other people outside our inner circle when we know we can’t get away with that behavior, because doing so would cause potential damage. 

We would lose a job. 
We would lose friends. 
We would lose prestige. 
We would lose social standing. 

And in those cases, it’s not actually an anger management problem; because they’re perfectly capable of managing their anger just fine if they want to maintain a certain appearance in front of other people.

If someone can manage their anger well at work, or at church, or in another social setting, while they don’t manage their anger well at home in private you do not have an anger management problem.

You have an abuse problem. 

Because they are giving themselves permission to not manage their anger at home. 

Why? Because at their core, they fundamentally believe YOU aren’t valuable enough to require them to manage their anger around you, not in the way they would around someone that they respect...

... or someone they want something from. 
... or someone they perceive as having power over them. 

They view their relationship with you as one where they hold the power, and they give themselves permission to mistreat you by taking out their anger on you. 

“He isn’t abusive because he’s angry, he’s angry because he is abusive.”
- Lundy Bancroft
in Why Does He Do That?

When you have a situation where someone believes, “Hey, you’re supposed to love me anyway. I should be able to come home and act cruel and harsh and angry and you can't be upset with me about it.”

Because I’m not allowed to do it outside my own home, so you are supposed to put up with me. 
You are required to understand me. 
You are with me the most, so you get to see the worst side of me, much or all of the time.

Too often we act like the loyalty of our inner circle is some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card to mistreat the people we are supposed to love and honor the most. 

If a counselor is telling you this is normal, find a new counselor. 

If your pastor is telling you that this destructive behavior is typical in a way that does not hold the angry person accountable but says you should just be understanding and forgiving, you need to get a new pastor. And probably a new church. 

If you have friends who are telling you that this is just the way things are, you need new friends. 

Or you need to show your friends some of my videos.
Or you may want to share books that speak truth about abusive mindsets (I have links to a three lists of GREAT ones right here).

And yep... there are women who do this too. But I’m talking to you ladies who are going through it at home right now. 

This idea that you should just put up with someone who is mistreating you because they’re required to hold it together in the outside world… This is a satanic perspective. No, I’m not mincing words. 

This idea does not come from Jesus. 
This is not how Jesus calls us to treat each other. 
If it does not come from Jesus, where does it come from? 

The Devil. 

Because Jesus' example was to treat people we love the most, with the best, kindest, most patient, most understanding actions and attitude we can muster. See Galatians 5:22-23 if you're in doubt.

Treat your family better and kinder than your best friend. 

Does it stand to reason that at home we will see each other's most difficult sides? 
Yes. 

Are we going to need the safety to be able to fall apart when we’re dealing with painful things around the people who love us most and best?
Yes. 

Should you feel safe to cry, to express your deepest feelings, with those in your closest inner circle? 
Yes.

That’s not the same as a get-out-of-jail-free card to abuse, mistreat, and be harsh toward the people who love you the most, taking advantage of their commitment and loyalty to you.

I’m not saying we need to put on a facade and wear a mask of fake happiness around the people closest to us. I’m saying that being close to someone does not give anyone a free pass to habitually misuse, mistreat, and take out stress in ways they would avoid for anyone else that they actually respect and value.

Mistreatment of others does not become okay simply because you're at home.

Can you imagine Jesus coming to earth, going through all that He did, and then going back to heaven and giving the angels a tongue-lashing because of everything that He had to deal with, because He had to be nice to the humans on planet earth? And He’s just tired at the end of the day so He takes it all out on God and the angels in heaven? No! 

That’s not what we are called to do. 
That’s not how we’re called to act. 
That is not how believers conduct themselves.

So anyone who tells you that you need to put up with someone’s horrific attitude, or verbal abuse, or emotional insanity, simply because they have nowhere else to safely blow off steam, is not telling you the truth. 

They are not talking in your best interest. 
And you don’t need to feel obligated to take their suggestions. 
Because they are not giving you godly, biblical advice. 

If you cannot express to your spouse or a member of your family, that their behavior makes you feel unsafe, or tense, or that you’re walking on eggshells around them; or if you have tried to explain this over and over again and they just keep saying they don’t understand...

then you’re committed to the relationship and they’re committed to continually misunderstanding you.

You’re committed to communicating, they’re committed to misunderstanding you.

If you find yourself in that kind of situation, you may need a safety plan. 
You may need trauma recovery support. 
You may need clarity coaching.

These resources can help you find some clarity and see through the trauma fog and confusion you are dealing with. Ideally, home should be where we feel safest, and where we do our best to make sure others feel safe as well.

If your home doesn't feel like it's exactly the safest place, take a minute to assess:

“Am I the one who is making my home unsafe for everyone else?” Or...

“Am I in an environment where someone else acts with freedom to make me feel unsafe, because they must control themselves elsewhere, and they're not committed to making home a place where others are protected and at peace?” 

If that’s where you’re at, I would love to pass on ways to help, books to read, coaching opportunities. 

Jesus wants you to have peace and clarity, even at home. 
ESPECIALLY AT HOME.

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