If you've discovered infidelity, deception, or other compulsive sexual behaviors in your marriage, you may be reeling right now. And if you’re feeling lost, confused, or overwhelmed, I want you to know that what you’re experiencing is completely normal.

• You’re not crazy.

• You’re not weird.

• You’re not messed up because you can’t seem to just “get over it.”

You are having a normal, traumatized response to abnormal, traumatizing behavior.

But now you’re sitting there wondering, “What do I do next? Where do I go from here? Is there even a path forward from this? How can I FIX THIS and make my marriage GOOD again?”

Recovering from betrayal and deceptive sexual behaviors in a relationship is a profoundly challenging journey. One of the most powerful tools in this process is learning how to set healthy boundaries. But boundaries are frequently misunderstood, and misusing them can compound your pain rather than cultivate your healing.

Healthy boundaries are not about controlling someone else—they’re about protecting your peace and reclaiming your autonomy.

Why Monitoring Isn’t the Answer

When trust is shattered, it’s natural to feel the urge to monitor your partner. You might feel like it's necessary to set "helpful" guardrails in place. Suddenly, you’re in charge of approving their apps, tracking their online behavior, or supervising their every move. But surveillance doesn’t rebuild trust; it erodes it.

Let me be super clear:

• Should an unfaithful partner who has betrayed trust, be offering openness and transparency about their online activities? Yes.

• Should the betraying partner be taking extensive steps to show repentance in action? Yes.

• Should the untrustworthy partner be going the extra mile to prove honesty and humility? Yes.

• Does the betrayed partner deserve truthfulness, kindness, honesty, and safety? Also YES!

But the fact remains—you cannot MAKE them do these things. You can't legislate morality and decency from another person, not even in your own home. A repentant partner will be doing these things without being told to. Which means… if they aren’t offering proof in action freely and of their own accord, then that’s your answer.

Here’s the hard truth: if someone wants to continue harmful behavior, they will find a way.

• They can use a burner phone.

• They can access incognito browsers or stash devices at work.

• They can find ways to bypass your carefully set filters and controls.

If you’re finding yourself needing to monitor everything they do, then are you still free to be their partner? Or have you been catapulted into the role of parent, private investigator, or parole officer? No relationship can thrive in that dynamic.

Even with constant oversight, you cannot monitor someone into being faithful. Faithfulness has to come from within.

Releasing Control

The foundation of healthy boundaries is letting go of control. Let your partner make their own choices. Let them show you who they are. And based on what they reveal, you are free to decide how to protect yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Can you accept the person they are actually choosing to be?

• Can you share your life with their current patterns of behavior?

• Does this reality align with your values and the commitments you made together?

These are excruciating questions to ask yourself, I’m aware. But being precisely truthful as you assess your reality is essential for clarity and self-respect. Your own commitment to total truthfulness is the path to freedom from this maze of deceptive destruction. If you’re lying to yourself to make yourself feel better, what good does that do?

Boundaries empower you to focus on your own autonomous choices—not to coerce them into behaving in a way that feels safe to you. (Don’t get me wrong, you have every right to feel safe and to escape from unsafe behavior. But the solution can’t be an attempt to force the other person to become safe.)

What Boundaries Are (and Aren’t)

Boundaries are the framework of your response to someone’s actions, not a format for punishing them for how they’ve hurt you. For example:

• A controlling approach: “If you keep hiding with your phone in the bathroom, you’ll have to sleep on the couch.”

• A healthy boundary: “If this behavior continues, I will need to separate to protect my well-being.”

Notice the difference? The first example uses control and punishment, while the second respects their autonomy (even if they use that autonomy badly) and centers your own peace (and your innate human right to live in safety). Good boundaries are never about forcing someone to do what you want—even if what you want is healthier for them and for the relationship.

Self-Control, Not Other-Control

It’s tempting to believe that if you could just enforce the “right” rules or set the “right” boundary, then your partner will change into someone you can trust. It's also totally normal to seek safety by trying to fix everything in your suddenly out-of-control environment. It's understandable to grasp for answers by seeking to stabilize the person who’s sent you spinning. But there are multiple reasons why this won’t work.

1. You are not the reason they’re acting this way. Their choices are their own, and the responsibility for those choices rests fully on their shoulders. Nothing you do can make someone cheat on you, assault you, or betray you.

2. You’re not God. You cannot rescue someone from their own determination to do wrong. (And God himself doesn’t even force us to obey and do what’s right.)

3. You can’t trust coerced change. If you pressure your partner into better behavior, it’s unlikely to last. They’re just trying to get you off their back—not making genuine changes.

Bottom line—forcing another adult to behave a certain way still places you in the role of the controller. Which is exactly as unhealthy for you as it is for them.

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Protecting Your Peace

A healthy boundary might sound like this:

• Your desire: To feel safe and valued in your relationship.

• Your request: Clear, open communication about online behavior and technology use.

• Your boundary: “If I discover dishonesty or behaviors that violate trust, I will need to take steps to protect myself, such as separating or leaving the relationship.”

This approach centers on your actions, not on policing theirs. It’s not about punishment but about ensuring your safety and mental health.

Healing Through Boundaries

At the heart of a thriving relationship is mutual trust and respect. If those are broken, healthy boundaries can help you regain clarity and autonomy. They allow you to create a safe space for yourself to heal and observe. Then you can use these observations to make a wise, strategic decision for your next steps—whether that means continuing to work on the relationship or stepping away.

It’s important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling someone else—they’re about reclaiming your power. Whether or not your partner chooses to change is up to them, but what you choose to do in response is entirely up to you.

Ultimately, you deserve the clarity and strength to prioritize your freedom to live in safety, integrity, and autonomy—no matter what.

If you’re ready to create boundaries that work for you, WILD’s coaching team is here to help. Schedule an intake session today at www.wildernesstowild.com/wild-coaching.

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