The Truth About Boundaries: Healing and Moving Forward After Deceptive Behaviors

In relationships shaken by betrayal or deceptive sexual behaviors, learning how to set healthy boundaries is a crucial part of healing. It's devastatingly common for survivors of betrayal trauma to gradually awaken to the realization that, in their efforts to achieve peace, to inspire faithfulness, and even just to feel loved, they've ended up erasing themselves, silencing their voice, and abdicating their autonomy.

The Struggle to Set Boundaries

Learning how to set healthy boundaries is hard when you've survived by having none. It's even harder when the person controlling you has greatly benefited from your compliance and may have even rewarded you for becoming smaller and smaller within the relationship dynamic. By the time many of my clients realize they desperately need better boundaries in order to heal, they often find themselves in one of two situations:

1. They struggle to identify even the simplest of their own personal likes or dislikes.

2. They struggle to manage the volatile rage they feel at how helpless they’ve become.

The Danger of Power Swaps

For those in the second category, waking up to the reality of how much of their life has revolved around managing the abusive partner’s environment can be enraging. It’s normal to feel angry and to want to reclaim the power that was stolen. But all too often, this leads to a power-swap mentality: “It’s my turn now!”

Sadly, some advocacy groups even promote this approach, but swapping one form of control for another is not a solution. Healthy relationships are not built on power imbalances, and boundaries are not about controlling another person’s choices or punishing them for their actions. Boundaries are about defining what you will do to protect your peace and well-being.

Boundaries Are About YOU

At their core, boundaries are a reflection of your own sense of self-respect. They’re not about changing the other person or forcing them to behave in a certain way—even if those changes would be healthier for them and for you.

Instead, boundaries empower you to choose how to respond to their actions. If a “boundary” is created to coerce another person into better behavior, it’s not a boundary—it’s coercion.

This is one of those times in life where the ends do not justify the means. Forcing another adult to do something you believe is good for them is still taking away their free will. It’s still placing you in the role of controller.

Why You Can’t Heal by Playing Their Game

There is nothing to be gained by using the tactics of the abuser against them. Doing so means joining them in their coercive games and becoming the same as they are. If you want genuine healing, you have to stop playing the abuser’s game entirely.

The most effective approach? Just let them be.

• Let them be who they want to be.

• Let them do what they want to do.

• Let them go where they want to go.

When you allow someone to act freely, you get a clear picture of who they truly are. Based on their actions, you can make decisions such as:

• Are you okay with the authentic person they are choosing to be?

• Are you willing to share your life with this behavior for the next 40–80 years?

• Does this life align with the vows you made together, or doesn’t it?

Boundaries are not about controlling them. If you try to control their choices, you risk stepping into the role of a controller—a role that fosters the exact opposite of healing and respect.

Letting Go of Control

If you’ve experienced infidelity or deceptive sexual trauma, and you’re finding yourself approving their apps, monitoring their phone, and tracking their every move online, then you’re no longer free to be a partner. You’re trapped in the role of a parent, a parole officer, or a warden.

And even then, the truth is: if they want to continue the behavior, they will.

• They could get a burner phone from Walmart and stash it in the car.

• They could leave it at work or use an incognito browser.

• They might even figure out your passwords and bypass your controls.

You cannot monitor or oversee someone into faithfulness. It’s impossible. Faithful choices must come from their own heart.

Self-Control, Not Other-Control

Boundaries are about what you will do in response to their behavior—not about what you demand they do. For example:

• A controlling response: “If you keep watching porn, you’ll sleep on the couch.”

• A healthy boundary: “I want our relationship to be safe and trustworthy. If you continue this behavior, I will need to separate to protect my peace.”

This emotional shift is crucial. It ensures you are respecting their freedom to choose, even if their choice hurts you. At the same time, it empowers you to take the necessary steps to prioritize your own well-being.

We can only insist on retaining our own freedom as long as we extend the same autonomy to those around us.

Protecting Your Peace

Boundaries are not punishments. They are a way of ensuring your safety and mental health. By letting go of the need to control and focusing on your own actions, you reclaim your God-given autonomy.

Whether or not your partner chooses to change is something you cannot control—but what you choose to do with your own healing and your own future... is entirely up to you.

Need help navigating boundaries and reclaiming your peace?
Work with one of WILD’s experienced coaches to gain clarity and confidence.
Learn more at www.wildernesstowild.com/wild-coaching.

Follow on Facebook and Instagram.
Subscribe on YouTube for hundreds of free videos on abuse recovery.

Browse my Best Books List to find safe resources on betrayal trauma, healing, relationships, and more!