So, he says he wants to work on your marriage. 

But when you attempt to communicate with him, it feels like you end up taking all the blame and doing all the work, even while he keeps saying things like: 

“I definitely want to work on this!”
“I want to make it better!”
"You're totally worth it, babe."
“I just want to fix us!”

But you’re confused... because it seems that despite all the promises and pretty words, the changes don’t last very long. Are they real? Does he just need more motivation? Should you stay longer and keep hoping? Should you leave for a while so he knows this is his very last chance?

First, you need to realize the reason why you’re in this cycle in the first place. It’s because he’s not actually interested in making it work. Even though he says he is. Even though he promises the moon. 

But how can you tell when someone isn't actually interested in fixing a relationship? 
What can you do about it, if you think that’s the case with your marriage?

Here are four red flags to look for:

Red Flag #1 -- He says he just wants to know how to fix it, but he needs you to tell him what to do, or he asks over and over what you want from him. 

BUT… this isn’t the first time you’ve had this conversation. It’s an old topic by now, and the two of you have worn it out. You've told him clearly… maybe you’ve written him a detailed letter, or you’ve had six-hour conversations, or you tried that one counselor together, or you have pages of text messages where you’ve explained your feelings half a dozen different ways.

Still, he says he “doesn’t get it.” He’s asking you to tell him again. This isn’t because you haven’t explained it, it’s because he’s more committed to misunderstanding you than he is to working on his mindset of power and control. He’s acting in a way that makes you do all the heavy lifting in the relationship, so if he fails to “get it right” he can blame you for “not giving me a clear enough list” of things to fix. 

He’s not actually interested in fixing the relationship, because if he was, he would be googling the heck out of abuse recovery programs near you and showing up at every counseling session and taking responsibility for his emotional work. 

Red Flag #2 -- He’s not actually doing any of the things that you outlined that you said would make it better.

Maybe you asked for him to give you space to think, or you expressed a desire for professional counseling, or you explained that things can’t get better until he gets help for his addictions. Maybe you requested that he be more transparent with his time and money because he’s deceived you before, or you shared that if he would help with the kids it would make a big impact on your energy level. 

Suddenly he’s bringing home flowers, and writing cute love notes on the mirror… BUT… he’s still not doing those exact things you expressed to him. He may be doing a hundred other things, but he’s not doing those things. This is a huge indicator that his nice actions are actually decoys, it’s manipulative kindness to keep you from leaving. 

He’s not actually interested in fixing the relationship, because if he was, he would be putting energy into doing the specific things you shared were important to you.

Red Flag #3 -- He has other apparently successful relationships where he treats people with respect and courtesy. 

In those other relationships, he does not make the other person do all the work and he does not treat them with disrespect or devaluing. Maybe he runs a successful business. He gets along fine with his friends. He gets along with his siblings, to all appearances. He does anything his mother asks of him without asking any questions--and he gets it right because he cares. He does fine with anyone else’s instructions, but he always gets confused when it’s coming from you. 

He’s not mentally or socially challenged when he interacts with any of them. So why does he seem to be emotionally challenged with you when it comes to being able to understand and respond to things you have expressed clearly that would improve the relationship?

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He’s not actually interested in fixing the relationship, because if he was, he would be putting the same energy into treating you with respect as he manages to find for other people he wants to impress.

Red Flag #4 -- He acts super nice, and he does all sorts of things that you didn’t ask him to do whenever you’ve had a fight or a long exhausting circular conversation. 

Usually this means he ends up helping in ways that you don’t need, or doing “helpful things” that even get in your way. And of course you are obligated to feel thankful. 

These things might include giving you unexpected affection when you’ve asked for space. Planning a surprise getaway when you had mentioned that you wanted to stay home and rest. He’s suddenly doing all sorts of extra things you didn’t plan on and didn’t arrange for, because he says he wants to be helpful… 

So, he didn’t do any of the things you specifically asked for so that you could see proof that he’s willing to work on things, but he’s keeping really busy doing all this other stuff you didn’t ask for. 

Here’s what he’s really doing -- he's making you chase your tail, and he’s got zero intention of actually doing what you need for him to do. He's hoping that you will either be so distracted by doing all the emotional heavy lifting, or by him doing all the nice un-requested things, that you won’t notice that he hasn't actually followed through on his promises to change.  

He’s not actually interested in fixing the relationship, because if he was, he would be doing exactly, precisely, specifically what you intentionally asked him to do. 

You can believe some of what he says, but everything he does. 

When someone keeps asking you to explain, over and over again, what you have already explained, (unless there is a legitimate mental understanding problem, which isn’t likely if they function at work and get along with everyone else), then they’re simply choosing not to understand you.

If the promises sound pretty but the actions don’t match - believe the actions. 

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