Protective Parents: Know This Before You Mediate | Podcast

If you’ve been told to “just settle” or “stop talking about the abuse” during your custody case… you’re not alone.

In Episode 7 of This WILD Journey, Sarah and Bren uncover how mediation pressure can silence protective parents and why safety should never be sacrificed for false peace.

Listen to the podcast here:

What You’ll Learn:

• Red flags in parenting agreements

• When to pause (and what to ask for) in mediation

• How to prep for negotiations without losing your power

• Trauma-informed alternatives that put safety first

Listen now to hear the red flags, the real risks, and what Sarah teaches inside FREEDOM Navigator to prepare wisely for high-stakes decisions.

Catch this episode on YouTube:

Meet your hosts: 

🧠 Sarah McDugal – high-conflict communication strategist guiding protective parents through family court chaos with integrity, clarity, and calm under pressure (no tiptoeing, no legalese, no playing nice with coercive control)

🧬 Bren Wise Mays – neuro-sensory wellness provider translating wild-but-true neuroscience into real-world tools for resolving toxic or traumatic stress (no fluff, no fakery, no bypassing—just real regulation)

Together, we blend somatic support, legal strategy, and zero-BS tools to help you stop spiraling and start thriving.

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👉 Share this episode in your group chat. 

START RESOLVING YOUR STRESS TODAY

THINGS MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST

Tired of co-parenting with crazy?

In FREEDOM Navigator, you'll get the tools to go from overwhelmed, confused, and drowning in your high-conflict divorce and custody case -- to becoming a calm, clear communicator with a confidence that changes the game.

New members accepted from the waitlist only.
Lock in your spot on the waitlist here.

"Exposing the PLAYBOOK: the 3-Step Blueprint to Anticipate Your Abuser's Next Move in Family Court"

The $7 Investment That Could Save You Thousands

• What’s Inside:

  ✅ The three biggest myths that can sabotage your case before it even starts.

  ✅ The 3-step strategy to anticipate their next move before they even make it.

  ✅ The exact tactics abusers use to manipulate the system—and how to fight back.

  ✅ Insider tips to protect your sanity and self-care while navigating family court.

• Get it here.

SUPPORT WILD:

• Join the SCOOP for $17/mo (it’s like our Patreon, but with mega-perks!)

• And check out our workshops for quick, bite-size steps to clarity.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Sarah: Are you being advised to "just settle?" Here's what that really means.

Welcome to This WILD Journey where we don't sugarcoat survival and we don't play it cool with coercive control. Around here, we get strategic about healing, and clear about what's actually wise when the stakes are sky high.

Bren: If you've ever been told to just let it go, keep the peace, or stop talking about the abuse, even when everything in your gut screams "this isn't safe?" Then this episode's for you.

Because today we're talking about what really happens when a protective parent is pressured to settle, and the cost of signing something that sounds reasonable but... isn't right. Sarah, let's start here.

Out of court mediation is often presented as the good option, more peaceful, less expensive, less stressful. And in amicable cases where there's no abuse or coerce of control, that's generally true.

But what happens when the protective parent is sitting across from someone who's charming in public, yet dangerous in the privacy of real life?

Sarah: Yeah, that's the setup that no one really prepares you for, and I wanna make sure that I'm clear that we're not attorneys and we're not giving legal advice today. You need to make sure that you discuss your case with your attorney. But at the same time, a lot of attorneys are trained to just start with mediation.

And in some cases, that's actually a required step, which means that you probably need a different skillset than you actually have, unless this is something you already do a lot.

So the mediation room, when you're dealing with someone who is abusive, manipulative, deceptive, full of coercive control, becomes a pressure cooker where you're expected by the professionals... who are there ostensibly to advocate for the best interest of the children and for peaceful negotiations... you're expected to negotiate in good faith with someone that you already know will twist anything you agree to and may do actually nothing of what they are expected to do.

So very often, instead of backing you up, the professionals in the room are nudging you to just be reasonable and get it done.

Bren: Which usually means less protective, less boundaried, less voice.

Sarah: Yes, exactly. And so if you are saying, "this isn't safe for the kids, this isn't going to work!" Then very often, quite suddenly, you become the problem.

You are the one labeled high conflict. You are the one who just won't let it go. You're the one who's appearing in the courtroom or in the mediation room to be controlling, obsessive, unreasonable.

Even though it's entirely possible that you are the only one in the room making decisions based on the historical pattern. Not the performance of the other parent.

Bren: Yeah. What are some of the red flags that can show up in mediation?

Sarah: A really big one that I see so often is vague language. So a lot of times courts want to avoid explicitly detailed plans because it really does lock people into a certain set of expectations.

So you might wanna watch out for phrases like "the parents will just work together and agree on the number of extracurricular activities, or pick up time and place, or whatever."

Or "the parents will cooperate in good faith to make sure that the children have everything that is needed in both homes."

Well, those sound very nicely neutral, but if you're dealing with someone who is coercive, who is deceptive, who is controlling and abusive, these phrases leave you and your kids wide open for profound levels of manipulation.

And another one that sometimes is unavoidable depending on which region you're in and what the standard baseline is, but that is: equal decision making authority someone who has proven that they won't share power, especially in medical and educational or even religious decisions.

Bren: So phrases that seem balanced can actually hand over a lot of power to someone who's already using the system to control.

Sarah: Yes, exactly. And then once that agreement is signed, even if you were talked into it, even if you were coerced, you will be held to it. Period.

So your children's safety is on the line. Your future, whether you're back in court every six months until your youngest is 18, that is what is on the line.

And yeah, everyone else in the room gets to walk away, but you are going to live out the consequences of what gets signed in a mediation.

Bren: Let's name the pressure. What are some of the voices that make a parent feel like they to settle?

Sarah: Well, money is a big one. I mean, it's expensive to go to trial and if it's possible to settle outside of court, that's often by far the most financially wise thing to do, for sure.

But outside of money, there's just the faces of the people around you, attorneys, mediators, judges, family, therapists, counselors, church leaders, and sometimes even your therapists and child advocates will say, "Hey, don't escalate this. Just settle."

And there may be times when settling, regardless, is the right thing to do. You do have to assess that for your own situation.

But remember, all of these other people who are giving you, outside input and pressure, they're not the ones living with a court order that opens the door for abuse to continue.

And it's probably not malicious on their part. They're trained to prioritize closure. So they very likely feel that they are doing the best thing they can for your case because they feel that getting you across the finish line to a finalized parenting plan is the best thing.

What they may not realize is that if they're not considering the patterns of coercive control and the need for explicit detail, then it may just be closure. And safety and closure are not the same thing.

Bren: And closure that isn't built on truth, doesn't bring peace. It just locks in the dysfunction.

Sarah: Yes, exactly. So there will be times when the bravest thing you ever do is say, "no, I cannot sign that" even if it means going back to court. Because genuine peace shouldn't require silence about real danger.

Bren: Let's say someone's listening right now and they're headed for a mediation. They're scared and they're feeling pressured. But their gut says, don't sign.

What are their options?

Sarah: Well, first of all... it is absolutely crucial to prepare thoroughly beforehand. You want to find a trauma informed, high conflict divorce coach to work through all your options before you ever step foot into a conference room for the actual mediation.

And honestly, Bren we probably need to have a whole episode or maybe even a series on just this one thing because there's so many small things you can do that add up to major impact when you're preparing for mediation.

Bren: Yes, let's do that. And you actually work with clients to prep for this in Freedom Navigator, don't , Sarah?

Sarah: Yes.

Bren: You've got master parenting plan templates, and mediation prep worksheets, and all sorts of resources in your tactical toolbox.

Sarah: Yeah, one of my favorite things to do is to help my Freedom Navigator clients sort through their options prep for negotiations and have everything clearly outlined for their attorney to be able to effectively fight for them. And honestly, it saves them thousands and thousands of dollars in legal fees when we do this together.

Bren: I can imagine. Goodness. Side note, if that sounds like a lifeline for you, check the show notes for info about Sarah's Freedom Navigator. The feedback we get from our clients is mind blowing.

So back to the list of strategies. What else can they do, Sarah?

Sarah: In addition to just preparing thoroughly when you are getting your agreement written out... make sure that you get explicit detail about exactly what is required.

I'm talking time, place, percentages, who is responsible for what, when, how, how many days are available for reimbursements. All of those details need to be clearly included.

And beyond that, honestly, just pause. Don't sign under this pressure to just be done with it, especially not after four or five hours of brain bending negotiations that leave you exhausted and weary and pushed to the brink.

You are allowed to think on things before locking it in.

Although it is important to know that coming back to mediation later, or doing a second, or third or fifth mediation, it's gonna cost you money. But it still may be less than a trial and going to court.

Make sure your attorney carefully reviews every clause with you, and if you are attending mediation without an attorney, you may want to absolutely wait to sign until after you've taken that drafted agreement to a lawyer for a consult to go over it and see if you're missing anything crucial.

You may need to walk away from the table and let the judge decide in some cases. And that can feel scary, but sometimes, especially if you have been carefully communicating despite the high conflict nature of your case, to leave a solid court ready paper trail... and especially if you've been collecting evidence that proves what is true... then sometimes walking away is safer than signing away your power in a mediation room with nothing on record.

Bren: The pressure to settle can be intense, but you're not crazy for hesitating. You're being careful, and that's wise.

Sarah: Yes, it is. Caution and wisdom are so important, and honestly, that is exactly why I created Freedom Navigator. In our Basecamp Group support community I break down how coercive control shows up in court, especially in mediation and in custody evaluations. And I give you language and battle tested strategies to respond and make decisions strategically.

Bren: So if you're walking through this and everyone's telling you to just settle, pause. Your instincts matter. Your kids' safety matters. We're putting the link to Freedom Navigator in the show

Sarah: And if you are worn down from the pressure and you really need to just reset your nervous system so that you can think clearly, that is another huge part of being able to make it through mediation is being able to think clearly, and we've got something for that too.

Bren's Instant Stress Reset is our five day body-to-brain series to help you regulate your own body in those adrenaline flooded high stress moments.

Bren: So take a breath and know you don't have to figure this out in isolation.

Sarah: That's right. You don't have to walk This WILD Journey all alone. Check the show notes for powerful resources that will help you reclaim your power and protect your peace.