Abuse teaches us to believe lies. 

Lies about God.
Lies about our value.
Lies about the world around us.
Lies about people we love and trust.
Lies about our own ability to discern what is real.

These lies prevent us from seeing the world clearly, and from living in the bold fearlessness and beautiful freedom God has designed us to experience. Lies keep us easily controlled by others who are committed to their own entitlement rather than our God-given autonomy.

One crucial aspect for every survivor — especially of spiritual abuse — is to learn how to build a radical relationship with truth. In order to break the grip that abuse has held, we must be willing to engage in the hard work of telling ourselves the truth and be willing to internalize and actually believe what is true.

This can feel unfamiliar, unsettling, even terrifying — when we have adapted to survival in a world based on half-truths and deception. But it is only when we embrace a radically honest relationship with truth, that we can break the chains of what we’ve come to believe about ourselves. 

First, as we learn to speak the truth about God and His character, we are empowered to believe the truth about ourselves... because we begin basing our perception of ourselves on what God says, not on what abusive people say. As we develop a more truthful relationship with God — based on who He says He is, not the way people misrepresent him for their own gain — and as our eyes are opened to the truth about ourselves and who God says we are... then we gradually grow more and more capable of seeing through lies. As we heal, we are able to operate on a baseline of what is true about other people, too.

There are three key phases in this process:

1. Recognizing the tools and relational elements of abuse, in order to see patterns of untruth.

2. Realizing which of our internalized beliefs are lies, and then discovering what is true.

3. Rewiring the mind to consistently have internal brain chatter that is based on truth.

If a train of thought is churning around and around in your mind like a hamster on a wheel, it’s safe to assume it’s not a truth. Most likely, you’re wrestling with a falsehood.

When something is actually true, and you are at peace with it being true — then your brain files it away and lets it go because no more processing is needed. You don't lie awake at night stressing over whether trees are green, or whether you hate candied beets when those are facts you know to be accurate.

Truths that your mind has accepted as fact are ready to close the door on the mental file. If your brain is running on a hamster wheel, then either it is a) truth that you have not accepted as true, or b) a lie which your brain is trying to reconcile with what is true.

You experience that nagging cognitive dissonance because on some level you know it’s a lie, but your environment (or other people) is trying to get you to accept it as true. Your instincts are telling you, “this isn’t right, this isn’t accurate.” But the conditioning of your abusive surroundings pushes you to stop doubting. The problem is, you just can't find peace. 

Here’s the really cool part — as you get further down the road of healing, aligning your brain chatter with radical truthfulness, your brain chatter will actually diminish because fewer and fewer false beliefs are causing dissonance. You’re increasingly operating on an infrastructure of truth, and that brings a profound sense of freedom.

Finally... your brain will become free to rest.

Several years ago, I was going through a friendship that ended painfully. I knew enough about my own grief cycles by then, to anticipate that this was likely to make me spiral in grief. So I told a handful of dear friends, “I haven’t spiraled yet... but I will if I don’t get ahead of it. Would you guys do forty days of prayer with me?” 

Forty days, even if it was just 15 minutes on the phone. By the end of 40 days that 10-15 minutes often stretched to 2-3 hours a day in prayer together. And our little group was undergoing incredible, life-transforming experiences. 

When we were done, we all said “I don’t know how I managed without this before; can we do another 40 days?” So we did another 40 days, and another, and then we backed off to connecting once a week. Over time, more women joined our chats and to this day, we still check in with each other nearly every day. 

The more we spent time focused on what was true, the quieter and more peaceful my mind became. I hadn't had a restful brain since... well... since I could remember past early childhood.

One day I was driving home from the bank with my kids in the car, and I started muttering to myself under my breath. My daughter piped up, “Mom, why are you having a conversation with yourself?” 

And it hit me, “I haven’t done that in months! I used to have conversations in my mind all the time. I would be discussing both sides with myself... what if they say this? But then what if they say that? Then I would say this, and what if they say that, then I would say this… I would meticulously plan my potential response as well as plan b, and plan c, and plan d, for my plan b, and then extra contingency plans ad nauseam.

My brain chatter had always been off the charts and now I realized, it had vanished. I have personally experienced the reality of God’s truth quieting my brain-chatter. And it is an incredibly freeing experience!

I think this might have been what Paul was talking about when he wrote, “Be anxious for nothing...”

If that mental peace is your dream, too... could it be time to start unraveling all the lies?

Are you ready to stop believing the lies that have kept you trapped where you are now, and take a step forward into post-traumatic growth? Are you ready to work with the truth and watch things change?

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