“Choose Your Hard” Gaslights Survivors—Here’s the Truth

Let's talk about "Choose your hard."

"Divorce is hard. Marriage is hard. Choose your hard."

This meme, so often tossed around like confetti at a parade of false piety, pretends to be wisdom. But it's a betrayal wrapped in a bow.

If you are living under abuse, manipulation, coercion, or chronic deceit—it isn't a matter of choosing between two equally "hard" paths.

Staying isn't just "hard."
In situations like this, staying can become impossible.
It's a slow death by a thousand cuts, a quiet erasure of your soul.

And if the only thing that makes your marriage "valid" is a government contract or a tax return, you don't have a marriage. You have a legal fiction.

What makes a marriage?

Is it the big party?
The state license?
The public Instagram photo dump?

Or is it—was it always meant to be—the sacred vows made before God?

Because if the vows are broken—if love, honor, honesty, and faithfulness are shattered—then the covenant is broken.

And no amount of legalities can patch it back together.

If we truly had a "high view of marriage," we'd stop preaching survival at all costs. We'd stop tying people to crosses God never asked them to carry. We'd stop calling suffering "faithfulness" and bondage "sanctification."

A true high view of marriage would:

• Value the quality of the relationship over the duration of the contract.

• Refuse to sanctify abuse and betrayal under the guise of "endurance."

• Demand mutual faithfulness, integrity, tenderness, and truth.

• Recognize that if vows are trampled, the marriage is already dead—and God is not honored by living among its bones.

What if, instead, we viewed marriage with SO MUCH SACREDNESS that we made it hard to enter and easy to exit when destruction reigns. Why, you ask?

• Because God's heart beats for the oppressed, not for preserving pretty appearances.

• Because a covenant without mutuality isn't a partnership—it's a prison.

• Because enduring endless harm isn't faithfulness—it's participation in your own destruction.

• Because God is a refuge for the brokenhearted, not a warden over their suffering.

If you’re also wrestling with questions about whether leaving is biblical, or if your situation really needs safety - grab my workshop:

And sometimes, walking away is the truest act of love.

Not because you "gave up."
Not because you "hardened your heart."

But because you refused to keep lying on behalf of someone else's evil.

Because you could no longer keep offering unconditional loyalty to someone who offered betrayal in return.

Because you chose integrity over enabling.

If you've lived trapped in the fog of coercion and control—if cognitive dissonance has numbed your spirit—then seeing that meme about "choosing your hard" feels like a slap in the face.

Because not all "hard" is the same.

The "hard" of healing is real.

It's brutal. It's excruciating at times.

But it's the hard of hope.
It's the hard of rebuilding.
It's the hard of choosing life.

(And yes—sometimes the harming partner does wake up. Sometimes the one who broke the covenant realizes the depth of their betrayal and chooses to embark on the long, grueling road of true repentance and transformation. But even then—*even then* separation may still be necessary.

Separation gives space for the betrayer to prove, over time, through action and character change—not words and promises—that they are genuinely committed to lasting, repentant change.

If this is the path you choose, it’s crucial to know that rebuilding a marriage after betrayal is a "hard" that requires brutal honesty, deep accountability, and immense patience. It is a "hard" that cannot be rushed, and trust cannot be demanded—it must be earned anew.)

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Because the truth is—not all "hard" is created equal.

Some "hard" is destructive, and some "hard" is redemptive.
Some "hard" chains you to death, and some "hard" sets you on the path to life.

Choose the hard that shatters chains.
Choose the hard that tears down lies.
Choose the hard that refuses to make peace with evil.

Choose the hard that breaks generational curses.
Choose the hard that exposes darkness to the light.
Choose the hard that rebuilds a future where love is safe and vows are true.

Choose the hard that stands up, stands tall, and stands free.

Choose the hard that teaches your children — and yourself — that real love never demands your silence about evil, your sacrifice of what is good, or your soul.

You are not abandoning marriage. You are honoring its original design.

You are not failing. You are faithful to the truth.

You are not a martyr.
You are a lighthouse.
You are a freedom-bearer.

You are the living proof that healing is holy and liberty is sacred.

#RiseAndRebuild #MarriageIsHolyNotHostage #HighViewOfMarriage

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