When you're trying to survive a relationship where any of these factors are present:

• pornography use,

• real life infidelity,

• emotional affairs, or

• any other type of abuse...

Couples' counseling is one of the worst strategies you can possibly pursue.

Yes, your family might recommend it, but that's because they assume it's the safest next step.
Yes, people on the internet will tell you that joint counseling should be at the top of your list, but they're not trained to recognize abuse.
Yes, your pastor may strongly suggest it... for that matter, he may insist on counseling you together himself!

But the fact remains that joint marriage counseling is contraindicated (not helpful or safe) in any relationship where abuse or infidelity are present in any form.

(Not sure what actually counts as "abuse", in order to know when your relationship qualifies for skipping joint counseling? Learn what to look for here, in my free mini-course called Is This Abuse?)

Let's break down the top five reasons why this is true...

1) The choice to cheat, watch porn, or abuse your spouse is an individual integrity issue.

It is a deficit of integrity and good character.

• Compulsive sexual entitlement is not a marital problem.

• Abuse is not a marital problem.

• Infidelity is not a marital problem. (And no, it doesn't matter if the unfaithfulness involves sleeping with someone else, watching sexy reels, or masturbating to images.)

​If a partner chooses to do any of these things, they are choosing to violate the vows of love and faithfulness they made at the altar.

An integrity deficit cannot be fixed by better communication. You cannot address it as a couple's problem and get to the root of what is going on.

Integrity deficits require individual treatment.

The person who has caused the harm needs to seek and actively engage in rehabilitation of integrity, addressing their own compulsive entitled sexuality, and releasing their sense of entitlement. This person needs to learn to live rooted in the truth, which begins with recognizing the truth of the harm their choices have caused.

The person who has been betrayed or otherwise harmed, is in need of safe, gentle therapy to heal from the trauma in a supportive environment. This person needs to learn to live rooted in the truth, which begins with recognizing their value and worth beyond the betrayal they have experienced.

2) Marriage counseling is generally based on the goal to facilitate reconciliation and mutual understanding.

However, when any form of infidelity or abuse is present, the focus cannot be on cultivating reconciliation, nor on rehabilitating the relationship.

The relationship is a third party to the two individuals that both individually need support, guidance, and help... of very different kinds. One, from the trauma that they have experienced as a result of betrayal and harm. The other, from the integrity deficits that have caused them to feel entitled to perpetrate harm.

During this season, there is no appropriate margin for mutual understanding or reconciliation. The only time this may be safely pursued is after there has been significant, lasting, long-term humility and truthfulness on the part of the betraying partner, as well as deep, regulating healing on the part of the betrayed partner.

Even then, reconciliation is not always possible and must not be assumed as a guaranteed result.

3) Counselors tend to focus on the most actively engaged partner, which is often the person being harmed.

This includes pastoral counselors, biblical counselors, Christian counselors, and even licensed therapeutic counselors.

Instead of focusing on the most recalcitrant partner's need to change, it's a natural tendency to focus most on the partner who is most eagerly, actively participating, the one who appears most willing to "do the work." Far too often, this is the victim.

In these cases, the victim is targeted with the emphasis of what to changes to make, what books to read, what communication activities to implement. As a result, the harmed partner ends up continuing to carry the majority of the reconciliation load... Just like they have carried the emotional and psychological burden of maintaining the rest of the relationship.

4) Joint therapy assumes both partners must compromise.

The general working premise for couple's counseling is based on the philosophy that both people need to come together, both people need to compromise, both people need to take responsibility as equal partners in working to make their relationship work.

If you have an otherwise healthy relationship between two people who just want to fine tune their teamwork, then this can be healthy and productive!

But when any form of abuse is present, including:

• compulsive entitled sexuality,

• pornography use or other aspects of infidelity,

• emotional, psychological, or financial unfaithfulness,

• or betrayal of vows through any other method...

...then no safe space exists for mutual compromise. An abused partner does not need to sacrifice further to find ways to compromise to meet the demands of a morally bankrupt partner.

When one partner is exhibiting a deficit of integrity, faithfulness, reliability, truthfulness, or honesty -- then this presence of abuse creates a destructive relationship at its baseline.

In this dynamic, the betrayed partner cannot safely offer cooperation or collaboration without further being exploited.

5) The abuser will exploit information revealed within joint sessions.

When you are dealing with an entitled, abusive, addicted partner -- the outflow of information, feelings, or observations that would naturally be revealed in couple sessions become fuel for the abuser to isolate, manipulate and intimidate the abused.

Anything the betrayed partner shares will be weaponized by the abusing partner later. This means it is impossible for the counselor to be able to get the full truth from either of them.

Everything the counselor or therapist could say, will be heard by the harming partner as a support of their own entitled goals. Anything the harmed or betrayed partner shares will be twisted into some form of punishment after the session. And anything the therapist says is going to get leveraged by the harming partner against the victim once they leave the office.

If you are a betrayed or abused partner, people are likely telling you, "Oh, dear... your partner is doing XYZ, you discovered porn, you found his sexts, you learned about an inappropriate relationship with someone at work... you've gotta find a marriage counselor!"

Whether it's verbal abuse, or psychological terrorism, or physical assault, sexual coercion, whatever you're dealing with... the first advice you receive is often, "Talk to your pastor right away, get counseling together!"

Just. Don't.
You can only control yourself.

What to do instead...

Enroll yourself in therapy with a qualified trauma specialist, whether it's a therapist, counselor, or a coach. Test them out. See if they're a good fit.

Leave your partner's healing work to your partner. It is solely their choice as to whether or not they will do their own needed work.

You cannot manage them into faithfulness.
You cannot control them into good behavior.
You cannot love them into loyalty.

You can only manage yourself.

If you've been experiencing the fallout of marriage counseling when you're actually dealing with betrayal or abuse, you deserve healing.

You deserve someone capable of guiding you toward the truth, and helping you find clarity. But please don't put yourself in a situation where you can be harmed further under the guise of seeking help.

Desperate for clarity?

If you are...

• struggling to decide whether your relationship is actually abusive.

• processing the pain of betrayal from pornography addiction or infidelity in your marriage.

• dealing with the fallout of starting over after abuse, and trying to get back on your feet.

CLARITY COACHING IS MEANT FOR YOU.

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• monthly group coaching

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