It's common to assume that domestic violence equals physical assault. 

We may notice that there has been sexual deviancy or coercive control inside a marriage, we may observe verbal, emotional, psychological, financial abuse.

But quite often the only question asked is, has he ever hit you? Has there been violence? And if not, then we assume it's not considered domestic violence. It's not abuse. 

Assault is actually only a small part of the abusive system that makes up domestic violence. 

Domestic Violence is: 

• the SECOND leading cause of death among African American women, 

• the THIRD leading cause of death among Native/Indigenous women, 

• and the SEVENTH leading cause of death among Caucasian women.

Research tells us:

• 1 in 3 women are sexually abused

• 1 in 6 men are sexually abused

• 82% of victims under 18 are female

• 88% of child sexual abusers are male

• Only 6 of every 1000 rapists spend even one day in jail

• 93% of child sexual abusers are known and trusted by the child

• 34% of child sexual abuse victims are under age 12, often starting by age 4

• More than 70% of DV victims are female

Sources: No Visible Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder | Predators by Ana C. Salter | www.rainn.org

Most people realize, if someone says “I love you” and then hits you… something isn’t okay. But Domestic Violence (DV) is much more than bruises. Non-physical DV is far more damaging than we typically realize. And often we don’t even recognize it.

Domestic Violence shows up in 18 areas of life:

1. Beliefs

2. Children

3. Culture

4. Cyber

5. Emotional

6. Financial

7. Intellectual

8. Legal

9. Medical

10. Pets & Property

11. Physical

12. Psychological

13. Reproductive

14. Sexual

15. Social

16. Spiritual

17. Verbal

18. All of these areas center around one core mindset: The abuse of power.

Domestic Violence occurs in church families too

What happens when church is not a safe place for victims?  

Clergy often say things like:

• “You just need to forgive.”

• “If you gave him more sex, he wouldn’t look at porn or cheat.”

• “Why are you digging up the past?”

• “You’re so bitter, you need to stop talking about this.”

• “Go home and pray more instead of talking to others about your issues.”

• You should be proud to suffer like Jesus did.”

• “I’ve never seen him be mean to anyone, maybe you’re making it up.”

• “If you leave, you’ll ruin your children’s lives, and anger God.”

When churches and clergy:

• Refuse to listen to survivors & offer tangible, safety-focused supports

• Remain uneducated about the patterns of abusive behaviors

• Avoid getting involved in messy situations

• Excuse sinful behaviors based on someone’s good public image

• Give advice that fails to prioritize safety for the system(s)

• Fail to report all allegations to civil authorities for investigation

• Prioritize public reputation of the organization over truth and justice

• Hold victims accountable but not the abusers who are causing harm 

…the church becomes complicit in Double Abuse.
Double Abuse misrepresents the heart of God, and is a form of Spiritual Abuse. 

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress. James 1:27

This includes those who have been emotionally abandoned and abused by those who vowed before God to love, cherish, honor and protect. 

Every church leader should learn the Signs of Abuse.

Every church leader should be aware of the resources available to share with those who may be suffering abuse. Start by downloading this free comprehensive chart:

 Afraid for your safety?

• National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Take Decisive Action

• Call 9-1-1 if you're in immediate danger, or go to your county courthouse or police station to report abusive behavior or threats. If you're unsafe, seek help immediately.

• If you feel unsafe, but you're not in danger, seek a counselor or other professional support provider who can help you make a safety plan and explore growth options.

• If you're in a relationship where pornography, infidelity, addiction, or other emotional/verbal abuses are present, and you'd like support from others who have survived it, find community in a WILD support group HERE.

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Support Group>>WILD TraumaMamas: Because Momming After Trauma isn't for the Faint of Heart

You'd like to think you know who the predators are in your church. You don't.

Empower leaders and members in your faith community to: 

• Spark crucial conversations and improve community education. 

• Understand the one core mindset every abuser shares.

• Reject unbiblical myths about forgiveness and restoration.

• Be aware of the tools used by every abuser, regardless of context. 

• Discern genuine repentance.

• Protect the vulnerable, and reflect God’s character to your church’s children. 

Host SAFER Churches at your organization or church.